On this episode we’re joined by Debra Kocis, the president and founder of Healthy Parenting 360. She’s double certified in nationally recognized parent coaching programs, which have helped numerous parents, teachers, and parent educators. She specializes in mentoring parents so their children can tune in, turn on, and transform.
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We’ll hear from Debra about the three basic parenting styles. She also shares her top tips for parenting, how to build respect with your children, and strategies for getting kids to listen.
On this episode of the Live. Love. Engage. podcast:
- What inspired Debra to become a parenting expert.
- Where she learned the foundation of good parenting.
- How family issues were handled in Debra’s childhood household.
- The three basic parenting styles, and where ours usually come from.
- How our children are actually mirrors.
- A breakdown of Debra’s K.I.D. Formula.
- The importance of respect and why showing it matters.
- What disrespect towards a child looks like and how to teach them respect.
- A real-life example of mutual respect between mother and daughter.
- How to overcome parent-child power struggles.
- The struggles some parents have in implementing these parenting concepts.
- Debra’s top tips for better parenting.
- What families and teams thrive on.
- How shared responsibility empowers your child to find a solution.
- Why teaching negotiation and persuasion is especially good for teenagers.
- The programs that Debra offers and who they are specifically for.
- Outdated parenting strategies that are still practiced today.
- Why discipline is important and how it can actually be love.
- Strategies and examples for encouraging your children.
Connect with Debra
Debra’s email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Debra’s free gift: https://healthyparenting360.groovepages.com/index/
Healthy Parenting 360 Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/healthyparenting360/
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[00:00:00] You’re listening to the Live Love Engage podcast on today’s show, we’re going to be talking about parenting and how to get your children to listen. Stay tuned.
[00:00:13] I am Gloria Grace Rand, founder of the Love Method and author of the number one Amazon Best Seller, Live Love Engage – How to Stop Doubting Yourself and start being yourself. In this podcast, we share practical advice from a spiritual perspective on how to live fully. Love deeply and engage authentically so you can create a life and business with more impact, influence and income. Welcome to live love. Engage.
[00:00:49] Namaste and welcome to live love engage. I am delighted to be with you today and to have a wonderful woman joining us who is a parenting expert, but I’m going to tell you a little bit more about her in a second. But first off, I want to welcome Debra Kocis to live love engage.
[00:01:11] Thank you, Gloria, so much. I just love the information that you provide parents and business owners.
[00:01:17] It’s such an
[00:01:18] Honor to be here. Thank you.
[00:01:20] Well, it is our honor to have you as well. So those of you listening and watching? Let me tell you a little bit about this savvy parenting expert. She is certified in two of the world’s most comprehensive, nationally recognized parenting programs and
[00:01:42] Which have helped
[00:01:42] Millions of families and have were featured on Oprah TV. And she herself, Debra has served thousands of families over the last decade, and really her specialty is mentoring parents so that their children can tune in, turn on and transform. And and really, she fosters helping them parents to really
[00:02:08] Develop healthy,
[00:02:09] Lifelong relationships with their children. She’s also the creator of the Kid Formula Kid to transmute the chaos, which includes how to get your children to listen. I know that’s definitely one of the things that we’re going to be talking about today once let’s just sort of get to it, you know? She’s also, well, I’ll say she’s also a mom of an awesome grown daughter and might even talk about the challenges.
[00:02:39] Maybe even she
[00:02:40] She doesn’t know this, but I’m just thinking to it versus, you know, young kids versus adults because we’re always parents, no matter how old our kids get to be. But let’s let me start off first with, you know, what sort of what is your what is why is it your passion to help parents and children? You know what? What drew you to become this parenting expert?
[00:03:02] Well, it’s really interesting.
[00:03:04] Thank you for asking
[00:03:05] Because as a young child, I had the influence of my grandmothers and my father,
[00:03:13] I just had a feeling that I wanted to make an
[00:03:16] Impact on
[00:03:17] Humanity on the
[00:03:18] World. And I
[00:03:20] Went to college for something totally
[00:03:22] I’m a designer and video marketer. And later on in life at my daughter’s elementary school, they offered parenting classes, and I love to learn and I thought tackling that. So I signed up well. After contributing throughout the classes, they asked me to come back to teach.
[00:03:41] Oh my,
[00:03:43] Wow. And I loved it. I loved seeing parents transform it. Just it did something for my soul. It really spoke to me. Hmm. And we see so much pain in the world, especially now for children, parents
[00:04:01] And families
[00:04:02] Struggling so
[00:04:03] Much. I knew I could
[00:04:05] Help through the influence of my
[00:04:07] Father, who Gloria, by
[00:04:09] The way, he was way ahead of his time in parenting. In his era, it was almost archaic. You know, harsh punishment do, as I say, not
[00:04:17] As I do. Well, he
[00:04:19] Raised my four brothers and I with a
[00:04:21] Different approach.
[00:04:22] Loving, of course, his approach was very
[00:04:25] Respectful and had an
[00:04:27] Encouraging manner to his parenting. Hmm. On the other hand, my
[00:04:32] Mom, who was
[00:04:33] Also loving, she had a different parenting style. So I know firsthand the outcome of good parenting and from my grandmothers. As I said before, you know, they had the courage to stand up for what they
[00:04:48] Believed in and
[00:04:50] Were of service to others. So it inspired me to make an impact. And Gloria, after taking those classes, I finally found and coming back to teach, I finally found my passion in making a difference in the lives of children and parents, so they can also enjoy the loving, gratifying relationships with their children. And as you said before, I say, for a lifetime and then pass it on to future generations, that’s
[00:05:17] The beauty of it.
[00:05:19] Absolutely. That’s really awesome that your dad, you know, had sort of a nurturing parenting style. Can you give me an example of something that he did that maybe, you know, the typical father’s possibly of his generation would not do that? He did instead.
[00:05:38] Wow. There’s a whole list.
[00:05:40] In fact, when I
[00:05:41] Became certified, I called him on the phone and I said, Dad, you could have written this class
[00:05:46] This course because.
[00:05:48] So many of the things I grew up with, that’s what I’m teaching other people through this course. He had if there was an issue, he had a family meeting and we would talk about
[00:06:00] It, he’d hear everyone’s
[00:06:02] About it.
[00:06:02] We talk and come to a solution. So that’s not what you would normally see. And he
[00:06:10] Would. Well, from
[00:06:12] Both my parents, I was very fortunate I had four brothers, but I love
[00:06:16] That there weren’t duties
[00:06:18] Split between or responsibilities split between the boys and myself. I was out there helping with yard work and mowing the grass, and they were helping clean the house. So, you know, that was different for that time. So many things I could go on.
[00:06:36] Well, those are good examples.
[00:06:38] And and yeah, that’s you’re very fortunate to have that kind of role model to to inform you. And I’m and
[00:06:48] I’m still and I like,
[00:06:50] Well, you know, when they you were participating and and that class, when you know, when your daughter was and was in elementary school, was it because you were like sharing a lot of the examples that your your parents and your and your grandmother had done? That was, you know, what prompted them to kind of pick
[00:07:11] Up on that?
[00:07:12] I think so. And and I I’m not shy about contributing and talking in class, and I see it myself when I’m coaching parents. I can tell when they get the concepts because everyone’s situation might be different, but the concepts are the same. And I can tell when a parent is getting the concept, no matter what the situation is, or if they need a little more help in getting the concept. So I think what they saw is that I knew the concepts and understood them.
[00:07:46] That’s good.
[00:07:47] Now I know you’ve
[00:07:49] Mentioned that like, you know, even your own parents had two
[00:07:51] Different parenting
[00:07:53] Styles. So when you are working with parents yourself. Do you like teach like, you know, different styles and sort of let the parent maybe figure out which one sort of maybe fits their personality best or how does that work?
[00:08:09] That is a great
[00:08:10] Question because
[00:08:12] I do talk about the three
[00:08:13] Basic parenting
[00:08:15] Styles and I can get into it now if you want. Sure. Yeah. So the first one is the commanding, controlling parent. And you know, they may be loving. That’s that’s great. But they also
[00:08:30] Don’t understand that teaching
[00:08:32] And how we teach makes a huge difference. So for the commanding, controlling parent, they may
[00:08:39] Take charge, but
[00:08:41] Dominating the family is not the same as leading
[00:08:43] The family.
[00:08:45] Right. And so this type of parent may be teaching their children that only their desires
[00:08:50] And their
[00:08:50] Emotions or their way of doing something is the right way.
[00:08:54] Now, on the other
[00:08:55] Hand, what
[00:08:56] Happens is it might
[00:08:57] Leave children feeling
[00:08:58] Neglected or disrespected.
[00:09:02] And then you have the other extreme, which is the overly permissive parent who may have some rules or may not have any rules and the rules they have, they may enforce them at times or other times they give in to their child.
[00:09:17] So when you are
[00:09:18] Consistent, you are believed. If your child sees you, enforce the rules sometimes and give in other times, they may not believe you, the parent, or that the rules are even real. So this again, is where respect goes out the window
[00:09:33] And misbehavior
[00:09:35] Comes very
[00:09:36] Easily to the child,
[00:09:38] Right? Yeah. And then what I do is help them move
[00:09:42] Into the proactive parent.
[00:09:45] So the proactive parent uses respectful communication, active listening, not multitasking. Gloria, how many times have you been at a restaurant or a park and you see a family and these cute little kids and
[00:09:59] The parent is
[00:10:00] On the phone or on the tablet not paying attention? So, you know, our children need that eye to eye contact. It makes them feel
[00:10:08] Valued with the
[00:10:10] Proactive parent. I teach them how to provide the understanding of the family rules and
[00:10:15] Values while using
[00:10:17] Discipline that teaches rather than punishes. And so some parents are unaware of their patterns until
[00:10:24] They go through my my course
[00:10:26] And coaching, you know, and they realize, Oh my
[00:10:29] Gosh, and and
[00:10:30] You asked, Do I, you know, I let them do whatever they want? I encourage them to try to be the proactive parent. It’ll it’ll game you volumes in the long run.
[00:10:45] I have had some parents that push
[00:10:48] Back and I said, You know, I can only tell you this has been proven. It was on the national registry of evidence based programs and practices, so it’s proven to work if you choose not to. That’s your choice, right?
[00:11:03] Mm hmm. Yeah. And then you have to live with the consequences of what happened.
[00:11:09] So do you
[00:11:12] Find that a lot of our parenting comes from how we were parented and then what for good or ill sometimes? And that
[00:11:24] Is that
[00:11:26] Sometimes it’s hard, maybe to be able to try to come up with new strategies? Or maybe sometimes
[00:11:31] You go
[00:11:31] Overboard the other way, depending what you have an experience with that.
[00:11:36] You’re right. Some people do
[00:11:37] Exactly what they’ve learned. That’s the only way
[00:11:40] They know
[00:11:42] And that’s when I say that, you know, these three parenting patterns, sometimes they overlap, and sometimes this other parent comes out right. It might be like, Wait a minute, I didn’t want to do it. My parents did. And it comes out sometimes or some people go the exact opposite. So. I think that even the people who I’ve had teachers and pediatric therapists and I’ve had all kinds of people who are educated and sometimes all it is is a different phrase or a different word or a different, you know, it doesn’t have to be. One word can make the difference. It doesn’t have to be a huge shift. And then for other people, they’re really struggling
[00:12:22] And they don’t know what
[00:12:23] To do. And they come to me because, you know, they’re tearing their hair out. They don’t want to hit. They don’t want to yell or say hurtful things, and they know they have to do something different. And through my course, it’s really interesting. Some parents, just the light bulb goes on and it’s like, Oh yeah, that’s what my mom used to do with me. They don’t notice it right away. Right?
[00:12:51] Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, it’s it’s interesting. And then there are the times when it’s like, I know I don’t want to be able to do some of the things that my mom did. She was, I would say, a bit of the command and control type of personality. I think more than anything else and and yeah, and that was frustrating for me as a kid. And so I I did lean towards not being quite that way with my kids, but still providing some rules. But I know that one of the challenges and I think this is a challenge with any
[00:13:26] Parent is, you know, getting our
[00:13:29] Kids to listen to us. And I know you’ve got some some tips specifically on helping helping parents to be able to,
[00:13:39] You know, get that
[00:13:40] Because it is hard to be able to
[00:13:42] You’re not going to be able
[00:13:43] To if you can’t, if if they’re not listening to you and
[00:13:47] You and then they’re not
[00:13:48] Going to be able
[00:13:48] To know
[00:13:51] How to proceed, whether it’s you’re trying to keep them safe or just instructing them. So how do you help parents in that respect?
[00:14:01] A lot of it is respect, which is the K and kid
[00:14:05] Kickstart respect, not the dog
[00:14:09] The way we
[00:14:10] Do it. Our children are little mirrors, especially when they’re young. They reflect every word, every action and every reaction we have. And our children remember actions far more than our words. So everything you do teaches our children and respect or disrespect is just one. So if you think about it
[00:14:31] This way, when I show respect, I teach respect,
[00:14:35] Which is something I think we need a lot more of in the world today, that’s for sure.
[00:14:42] You know, I talk
[00:14:43] To, I tell my clients, you know, let’s talk about what does it look like? What doesn’t respect look like? And it’s not listening
[00:14:52] To them being demanding
[00:14:53] Or controlling, as we said, yelling, shaming,
[00:14:57] Hitting anything that
[00:14:58] Puts them down or makes them feel bad. It doesn’t mean that you you can’t discipline them, but it’s the way you do it.
[00:15:06] And if
[00:15:06] You let them run the household without any rules, you’re
[00:15:09] Teaching that being
[00:15:11] Disrespectful is OK. And something even more subtle yet significant, I feel, is if you don’t have faith in them or you’re diminishing their unique light in some way. Gloria, I don’t know if you’ve heard I know I’ve heard many adults who felt this way as a child and they’re still working their way through it. So I’d like to frame this with a story of a bigger concept of mutual respect. One of my clients,
[00:15:40] Kayla, was frustrated with
[00:15:42] Her daughter’s need for her daughter to lose some
[00:15:45] And so she insisted she play basketball,
[00:15:49] Thinking this would be fun
[00:15:51] While losing the extra pounds. Except it was a huge battle every time. So I asked Kayla, Was there ever a time when your parents wanted you to do something that you really didn’t want to do? Get this, you said yes. My mother demanded I play basketball.
[00:16:10] Oh no.
[00:16:14] So we talked further in case Kayla revealed she hated to play basketball. She even
[00:16:19] Cried over it,
[00:16:21] And I said gently to her, Can you see how your daughter
[00:16:24] Feels when you demand
[00:16:26] She plays basketball? Gloria, she didn’t realize it at
[00:16:30] First, and
[00:16:31] When she realized it, she really reflected and there were tears in her eyes. She began to really understand her daughter. So we worked together for a win win solution. We found out her daughter loves to swim, and Kayla’s concern for her daughter’s health was met. Mm-hmm. So there’s a solution, but she couldn’t see swimming
[00:16:52] As an option until
[00:16:53] She really learned to listen and understood her daughter’s
[00:17:00] And learned about herself as well, right?
[00:17:02] Yeah, absolutely. So, oh sorry, go ahead.
[00:17:07] No, I’m sorry. It’s just that parents can kick start respect by listening and giving choices through several techniques that I teach so that you’re teaching rather than punishing. Hmm. And through
[00:17:23] Any parent can see less rebellion and fewer power struggles, and that’s more listening.
[00:17:29] Hmm. Yeah. Well, what I was going to ask you, though, is sometimes there’s, you know, you want to be able to respect your child’s wishes. But there’s also sometimes it’s about helping them to see the importance of following through on something if they want it to be able
[00:17:53] Just case in point. I remember when my son, when he started baseball, he was all excited about it. But then when we got there, he didn’t want to get out of the car and it took some cajoling. But as I’ve learned when he was when he was young, he would. He was nervous at first about new situations. And so but once
[00:18:15] He would get out there and get
[00:18:18] Going, then he’d be fine. I mean, this happened at like birthday parties too. He would be like, I don’t know that I want to go out there. But then once he got with his friends, then he was cool. So how have how do
[00:18:28] You, you know, balance this? You know, you want
[00:18:31] To be able to respect your child, but you also want to be able to teach them the importance of following through on a commitment, you know?
[00:18:39] Yes, I do.
[00:18:40] And each situation
[00:18:42] Will be different.
[00:18:43] My my daughter played trumpet
[00:18:45] And all of a sudden one year she didn’t want to play. And so it was talking to her, talking to the teacher, like you talk to your son and really looking, what
[00:18:54] Is what is
[00:18:55] Going, what is going on surrounding
[00:18:58] The issue?
[00:18:59] And you did that. So is it something that happened before him that triggers it?
[00:19:04] Is it like you
[00:19:05] Said that, oh, I see from the past
[00:19:08] That once he gets
[00:19:10] There and sees his friends or
[00:19:12] Starts, you know?
[00:19:14] Being with people, he gets to feel
[00:19:17] Very comfortable, so
[00:19:19] Knowing the past experience, so in this case, you could say to him and you can remind him of his past achievements, his past successes. I know that you might feel a little scared or even ask him how he feels and then have compassion. Oh, I understand that. You know, I remember you.
[00:19:37] You felt that
[00:19:38] Way at the birthday party and look
[00:19:39] At how much fun you had. Why don’t we
[00:19:42] Just try it, you
[00:19:44] That would be an approach. And if that didn’t work, then there’s other choices that you can give them.
[00:19:50] Perhaps that would help.
[00:19:52] So it’s trying a simple thing. First, you always try the easiest thing first, and then we have different like seven respectful discipline
[00:20:01] Techniques or more.
[00:20:03] And you just go, it’s like a easiest first to the one that’s a little bit more in depth. But but that’s what I would suggest, because sometimes it’s it’s that nervousness. I’ve seen adults like that and sometimes it’s a trigger. Something might have triggered it.
[00:20:21] Yeah, absolutely. Do you find that in working with parents that sometimes they they sort of innately know what to do, but they’re just scared to trust their intuition? And have you ever found that that?
[00:20:40] That’s another great
[00:20:43] Because. I do know the first thing that comes to mind right now is a parent that I coach
[00:20:51] That once she
[00:20:52] Understood the concepts and the
[00:20:57] And she would do it and she found success
[00:20:59] In it. Then later on,
[00:21:00] Something else would happen. I would remind her, Did you try doing this? Oh yeah. You know, sometimes it may not be scared. It might be. They’re frustrated. It might be any other
[00:21:12] Emotion that they kind of
[00:21:15] About it.
[00:21:17] But mostly when. Mostly, I would say I haven’t had anyone who was scared of
[00:21:23] Doing it
[00:21:25] In my experience, other emotions.
[00:21:28] Yeah, like, well, like what?
[00:21:33] Give us an example.
[00:21:34] Well, the woman that was was frustrated with her doctor was one. And you know, there’s a lot to learn in these courses. So sometimes it’s just forgetting
[00:21:47] More or they tried
[00:21:49] It. But again, one word can make a difference. They might not have done it. Exactly. And I would remind them, OK, try it this way.
[00:21:58] There’s there’s
[00:21:59] Another example there was a technique that a father used with his son,
[00:22:04] And it was
[00:22:06] A choice with the consequence. Hmm. And the son enjoyed the consequence. No, you laugh about that.
[00:22:13] How could you enjoy it?
[00:22:16] So the concept was good, and I said, OK, let’s try a different consequence. They tried a different consequence and that worked, OK, you know, so it’s it’s a little bit of coaching there and being creative. The concepts are
[00:22:30] Working. Ok, let’s be
[00:22:32] Creative with a different consequence.
[00:22:34] Hmm. Yeah. It’s, you know, it’s like anything else. It’s sometimes it’s trial and error, and you just have to keep at it because as long as you’ve got, you know, you got the child’s best interest at heart and that
[00:22:46] You’re willing
[00:22:48] To, you know, try something different if it didn’t work out and and
[00:22:52] And respect,
[00:22:54] You know, and if you’ve built up that respect with the child, then I think they’re going to
[00:22:59] Probably be
[00:23:00] More willing to go along with it.
[00:23:03] And the concepts the same, that’s what
[00:23:05] See, that’s that’s not
[00:23:07] Trial and error. It’s just applying your situation to the concept. And that’s where I help people
[00:23:13] Along with that too, you know?
[00:23:17] What are what are some of the
[00:23:19] Like maybe top
[00:23:21] Tips that you have for parents to be able to help them to really do create,
[00:23:25] You know, really good relationships
[00:23:27] With their children?
[00:23:29] So I learned from my dad early on that as a parent, when I show respect,
[00:23:34] I earn respect.
[00:23:35] It doesn’t come
[00:23:37] So really,
[00:23:40] Almost like whatever you want from your child, you have to give it to them, whether
[00:23:45] It’s respect,
[00:23:47] Compassion, you know anything when you’re when you’re showing it to them, you’re earning it back. And the Iron Kid is instilling cooperation. So this is a
[00:24:00] Really good tip because any
[00:24:02] Family or team thrives on
[00:24:05] So this tip would be to start by asking your children to participate in decision making within parameters, whatever you think that they that’s appropriate. Right? So one of my clients and out loved her children, yet trembled at the morning routines. It’s so common, right? Those sunrise battles or any routine can be a hassle. So I suggested a simple shift that led to cooperation. I suggested heard that during the calm part of the day, you always want to do it when it’s calm. Explain to your boys what has to be done in the morning for that morning routine. And she added she didn’t want to feel rushed or stressed, you know, just to calm loving start to the day, right? We all love that. Yeah. So she told
[00:24:52] Them, You know, you have to get
[00:24:53] Dressed, eat, brush your teeth, everything on the list, and guess what? She has to do the same thing and start work so that they know that she’s not just sitting there. She has to do a lot to. Yeah. Then I suggested
[00:25:06] To her this
[00:25:07] Key question
[00:25:08] To ask her children, So
[00:25:10] Anyone out there, you might want to write this
[00:25:13] How do you think we can get all this done?
[00:25:17] Oh, I like that.
[00:25:18] Yes. And the son
[00:25:20] Suggested a change. They put it into action, and the next morning went smoothly right away. Hmm. The beauty of it is later that same day, her five year old said, Mommy, you didn’t yell at me all day. Well, it warms my heart. Something so simple and so powerful
[00:25:43] Has changed the day of
[00:25:45] That child and the family.
[00:25:47] Yeah, absolutely. And how empowering for the
[00:25:50] Child, you know, being able
[00:25:52] To, you know, get their advice and let them be the problem solver. So it’s not just coming from the parent. That’s so
[00:25:58] Awesome. It is. And I usually say to people that you’re now giving your children shared responsibility and ownership of the conflict and being a part of the solution.
[00:26:11] So your
[00:26:12] Children have a part in the issue and it’s not about being a mean mommy or daddy,
[00:26:16] Right? Right.
[00:26:18] And because they participated and they feel valued. I mean, there’s there’s so many reasons, you know, you’re opening communication. You’re giving them a sense of control over the lives. It was something so simple. It was, I think it was just the order in which he did things on the list.
[00:26:38] Mm hmm.
[00:26:38] But it was he got to have some control over his own life, and so things went smoothly. Huge. This is
[00:26:47] Because think about Gloria, how many things that happen in life when kids feel powerless? Right?
[00:26:53] Oh yeah.
[00:26:54] Divorce moving all the varieties of school that we had, they had no choice. Yeah. But, you know, I’m I’m sorry, go ahead.
[00:27:05] Oh no, it’s just going to say yes, I mean, I am so grateful that my children
[00:27:09] Are grown and
[00:27:10] That I can only imagine trying to especially, you know, a lot of the folks that are listening to this and watching our entrepreneurs. So trying to be able to build a business and then now suddenly have to, you know,
[00:27:23] Not maybe
[00:27:24] Do dealing with home schooling. You know, some people do home school out of choice. But now maybe that really wasn’t your deal. And now it’s like, Oh, now I’ve got to manage this or make sure that they’re getting online and going on to Zoom and getting their lessons. And it’s I just my heart goes out to parents all over who have had to deal with this stuff in this past year and a half now.
[00:27:46] Absolutely. I reached out to a couple that a wonderful couple that attended my workshops, and they said all the methods helped them tremendously, especially during this latest COVID. And they were homeschooling already, but there were so many changes within their
[00:28:07] Family of seven
[00:28:09] Children, seven children. So all of these techniques helped them so much. One one of them had special needs. So, I mean,
[00:28:19] Think about
[00:28:20] Homeschooling children.
[00:28:23] And yeah,
[00:28:24] You know, it’s it’s it’s amazing. Yes, it helps to be organized and all that. But again, it’s the way you present yourself to your children and you can still be firm. You still, you know, you’re still firm about your values and your rules. It’s you’re not wishy washy or anything like that, but it’s just a more respectful way and certain techniques that that really work.
[00:28:47] Yeah. Now, you know, I can definitely see the value of, you know, if you’re just becoming parents or, you know, you’ve got little kids and you go to your course, you know, take your course and you’re getting some good foundations now for being able to raise the kids. But let’s say they missed out on that at the beginning, and now they’ve got teenagers. So what what advice do you have for parents of teenagers who like I said, you know,
[00:29:14] Maybe they’ve they’re doing the best they
[00:29:15] Can, but they they didn’t get your guidance early on. How can they handle? Because especially and again, this comes into a lot of times.
[00:29:23] This is when teenagers
[00:29:24] Are really trying to be their own person and they’re going to they’re going to what is it? They may hear you, but they’re not listening or vice versa or whatever it is, you know, it goes in one ear and out the other.
[00:29:36] Nice to meet you. Speak in code too, right? So, you know, participation is one in the decision making because
[00:29:45] Are showing you a confidence in them and they feel valued if you’re teaching cooperation or responsibility or teaching them problem-solving, really and even negotiation and persuasion. And that’s especially good for teenagers and your strength
[00:30:02] Strengthening the family bonds. So those are all helpful qualities I’ve had. I have two programs, so one is for the younger kids or parents of or anyone who influences kids zero to four. So with with parents of teenagers, I would say come to the older class, which is four, five and older, because these techniques are great for any relationship. I used one of the techniques with my own
[00:30:32] Parents and it
[00:30:34] Worked beautifully. It wasn’t, you know, manipulation or anything. It was just one of actually. It’s described in the gift that I’m giving your audience. But these techniques, I had a father who took my course, my workshop, and he had a son in high school, a son in college and a son who was twenty six year old, twenty six years old.
[00:30:56] And he said it helped with
[00:30:58] All three of them. So the beauty of these, the things that I’m helping parents to instill in their children. I’ve gone to sales seminars, business leadership, all these different things as an adult.
[00:31:15] Mm hmm.
[00:31:16] You’re teaching your kids to become future leaders. That’s how good it is.
[00:31:20] Yeah, and it makes sense. I mean, especially, I would think even, you know, teaching like negotiation, for
[00:31:27] Instance, that is a skill
[00:31:28] That you’re going to use for the rest of your life because you’re always going to be negotiating, whether it’s, you know, negotiating with with an employee or your boss or maybe negotiating to buy a car, you know, whatever you’re going to, you’re going to need that skill. And so it’s great that you can help. You can help your children learn this at an early age. I know I wish I had been taught that because yeah, I I had to learn that as an adult, and it’s not as easy, I think exactly.
[00:31:59] Oh, and you took the words out of my mouth. Absolutely, it’s something they can use forever.
[00:32:04] Hmm. Yeah.
[00:32:07] Is there something that maybe a commonly held belief about parenting
[00:32:16] That you
[00:32:17] Really think is, you know, outmoded and needs to be thrown out?
[00:32:23] Um, well,
[00:32:25] Doing as I say, not as I do, I don’t know if people do that anymore, but I know that was done generations before.
[00:32:33] But some people
[00:32:35] That I should tell
[00:32:36] Them and they should listen, don. That’s it. I’m the parent.
[00:32:41] Yep. My way or the highway?
[00:32:43] Exactly the thing.
[00:32:45] And our children are too smart these days. They really won’t stand for it, you know? I do encourage parents to explain. My father did, too. I guess that’s where I got it from. Two is
[00:33:01] That they explain why
[00:33:03] Are happening. You know,
[00:33:05] Why is it that we want to do it this way? Why is it this is our value or the rule? You know, when they’re young and safety’s a factor, you don’t have time to do it. You have to act. Yeah, of course. But yeah, I think that’s kind of and and some people have said to me because we don’t advocate spanking. You know, there’s other discipline techniques that we teach that should do the trick without spanking. Right? And I remember a parent saying, Well, I
[00:33:37] Was spanked, you know,
[00:33:38] And I turned out, OK, yeah, but not everybody
[00:33:42] Does. Do you want to take that chance?
[00:33:46] Yeah, absolutely. And he may think he’s OK, but it’s very possible that it still had an impact on him. He’s just not seeing it.
[00:33:56] Oh, perfect. I said, Yes, that’s beautiful. Yeah. Because as we saw with the with Kayla, you know, there was something deep down that she didn’t even realize it, right? And I had to help bring it out and explain to her that our past experiences,
[00:34:12] Our beliefs,
[00:34:13] Our thoughts,
[00:34:14] Our emotions all dictate.
[00:34:17] Who we are and what we’ve become and how we react to things.
[00:34:21] Mm hmm. Yeah, absolutely. That’s awesome.
[00:34:26] Is there anything
[00:34:27] From your experience, you know, even your personal experience as a parent? So maybe some lessons that you learned or maybe even some good experiences that you had interactions with with your child
[00:34:41] That you know you could
[00:34:42] Share that might be even helpful that we can learn from.
[00:34:46] Absolutely. So I just have to laugh at this story. Talk about listening, right? So as I said, my dad was real good about explaining things when he had a certain opinion about things or the way we had to do things, he would explain. My daughter comes
[00:35:04] In one time and says, Mom, I want to
[00:35:07] My face pierced.
[00:35:10] Oh, and and it was like, here or something? Yeah. And I just very calmly I said, Well, you know, if you decide to have it later, it might leave a hole in your face. She goes, Yeah, but I really want one. I said,
[00:35:26] Well, why don’t we
[00:35:27] Think about it? You know, this is
[00:35:30] Kind of a
[00:35:31] Permanent thing that could be on your face. And I said some other things, but this is the essence of it. I said, Let’s think about it and we’ll talk about it later.
[00:35:41] Or I might
[00:35:42] Have just said, let’s think
[00:35:43] About it. Yeah. A week later
[00:35:47] Comes by and she pops into the kitchen
[00:35:50] And says, Mom,
[00:35:51] Look, she got her face
[00:35:53] Pierced. Oh, no! And I said. Alex, we
[00:36:00] Talked about this and she goes, yeah, you said, let’s think about it,
[00:36:05] And I did, and I want
[00:36:07] It, and I had to laugh because I was I was like being almost too
[00:36:13] Logical and
[00:36:15] And I wasn’t being as clear as I should have been right on me. I couldn’t. I could not get mad at her. It was me.
[00:36:25] So, yeah, lessons learned.
[00:36:29] Exactly, and that’s important, you know, and because we are going
[00:36:33] To, you know,
[00:36:35] We’re still human, we’re going to make mistakes. Even with the best of instruction that I’m sure you provide everyone. Things are going to happen and certainly you learn that yourself. But that’s OK. I think as long as we, you know, resolve to do better the next time, that’s what’s important,
[00:36:53] Always trying to make the relationship better. I mean, I was blessed. My daughter and I had a great
[00:36:59] Relationship for so
[00:37:01] Many years. Couple of little teenage stuff, but not bad at all. And you know, there there may be rough times and then you learn. Absolutely, right. She learns. I learn. And it’s it’s beautiful.
[00:37:18] You know, one thing we haven’t even touched
[00:37:20] On here and which
[00:37:22] I think is important is that. Doesn’t it start with love that we have to love our kids, you know, and and and discipline is is a way of showing them love, right?
[00:37:37] Yeah, you know, especially when kids are young, they actually need. A lot of love, I mean, we all need love, right? And along with everything else, I guess, I kind of. I guess I feel like that’s inferred. Hmm. You know that we need to love our kids and parents that come to me. They do. They love their kids. You know, it’s just finding a way that they can get beyond there have the tools they need. That when they get frustrated and
[00:38:12] Some of them have to work hard
[00:38:13] At it, some of them,
[00:38:14] Once they get it, you know,
[00:38:16] And like, Oh, OK, it’s developing that habit if it’s different than what you’re used to. Right? Mm hmm. And if we have time, I would love to get to the DNA kid.
[00:38:29] I was, you’re reading my mind because I was just going to say, we’ve we’ve gone over K and I, but we didn’t do D. So what is the D and can
[00:38:38] It’s deliver encouragement? Now you might think well. How is the child going to listen to me? Just because I encourage them? Well, can you think of a time in your life or anyone out there think
[00:38:53] Of a time
[00:38:54] In their life where they felt diminished or dismissed entirely? It can happen as a child or
[00:39:01] As an adult? Yeah.
[00:39:03] And what you needed was support and encouragement. So it leads up to because some parents might be too busy. They forget to encourage. I’ve seen that and they forget
[00:39:13] To catch their kids being good
[00:39:17] Parents in this realm of encouragement. Learn how to foster independence. Value their children. Expand on their strengths, and this is the key point. They find real connections through
[00:39:30] Encouragement when you have that
[00:39:32] Bond and that connection. That’s where they’ll listen to you.
[00:39:38] The respect the the
[00:39:40] The bonding through encouragement and many other things like love or doing things together, absolutely. So I help parents distinguish between encouraging and discouraging and how can actually lead to success or failure. And what’s important is that it leads to higher self-esteem or low self-esteem, depending if they’re encouraging or discouraging. And the bonus is, studies show that kids with higher
[00:40:07] Self-esteem act more
[00:40:08] Reasonably. And listen.
[00:40:11] That’s a good thing. Could you maybe give an example, though, of encouraging? Because I think sometimes people may have a different idea of what encouraging is.
[00:40:23] It might, because
[00:40:25] Sometimes it’s, you know, you
[00:40:26] See, you know,
[00:40:28] We even see this like in the movies or something, you know, where it’s like, you
[00:40:31] Know, the
[00:40:32] Like, like in a sports situation where the, you know, the parent is like, you know, oh, come on, you know, you can do it, you know, and it’s it’s almost gets overboard. But I have a feeling that’s not that’s not what you’re talking about. So can you give an example?
[00:40:44] That’s very good. It’s especially if children are showing that they’re frustrated. Let’s say they can’t do something could be in sports, but it’s not, Oh, you can do it, you can do it. It’s actually
[00:40:57] Helping them break
[00:40:59] Down this big goal that they have into smaller steps. So I call it SC and send encouragement. And it’s really helpful whether it’s sports or musical instrument homework, you know, name anything you want to help your child go beyond their challenges and succeed. So then they have the self-confidence to value themselves and their accomplishments. So C and S stands for smaller steps, so break
[00:41:30] Down that difficult
[00:41:31] Goal into smaller, more manageable steps. And this is where the encouragement e for encourage comes in. You want to encourage them. For instance, the strengths they already have that would help them through the step, so you might remind
[00:41:45] Them of past
[00:41:46] Achievements to help it through. Right? And then you want to encourage effort, not just the completion. Right. So and it’s a gentle encouragement. It’s not like that movie whiplash. You know, you can do it. Do it, do it. You know, it’s it’s more of a gentler encouragement. And then MN is for next step.
[00:42:09] You know, the last they got through the
[00:42:11] Last step and now they’re ready for the next one towards the goal. And it’s repeat encouragement, next step encouragement and step. And then D is just don’t forget to celebrate successes and efforts. And we really the program, and I too believe this, that it’s not rewards like money or treats to celebrate because this is really important. We want them to feel self-motivated. You’re not always going to be there. You know, it really sets them up for life, for them to be self-motivated. And you know, who would like to see their children overcome their obstacles and not quitting at the first step of frustration, right? So I mean, we all had to pivot and go through so many challenges lately.
[00:43:03] The courage and confidence to keep going, right?
[00:43:06] Absolutely, yeah. And that’s where that modeling comes from again, that you talked about earlier is that if we if our kids see us kind of rolling with the punches and trying new things and not letting you know the stress of what’s going on didn’t defeat us, then it can help them, I think, give
[00:43:24] Them that
[00:43:25] Encouragement to to carry on as well.
[00:43:29] Yeah, absolutely.
[00:43:33] Is there anything else that maybe I should have asked you, you know, in relation to this that I haven’t said you think would be important for parents out there to know?
[00:43:43] Well, there are so many things I’ve only been able to with our
[00:43:46] Time, of course. Ask a few
[00:43:51] It doesn’t matter if you have a
[00:43:53] Lively child
[00:43:54] Or a special needs child. All of this helps, you know,
[00:44:00] You know, a beautiful child. It’s it’s like I said, I took this and I just wanted to learn and I learned so much more than I ever thought I would. So we can work together to ensure your child is seen and encouraged. And what I love about this is that you can. Feel more confident and calmer as the days are going more smoothly. Right, yeah, and and I love that through added communication skills and the discipline techniques, you’re empowering your children to have a voice. Yet you’re teaching family rules rather than than punishing. And if I may say one more thing, I love this part.
[00:44:45] You don’t
[00:44:45] Have to choose between being a likeable
[00:44:47] Parent or holding
[00:44:49] Your children accountable.
[00:44:50] That’s the beauty of
[00:44:52] The kid formula and all the methods I teach. You’re helping to achieve the desired relationship with your children, and you’re setting them up for their own beautiful relationships and careers because it does pass on. And if you have that bond with your with your child, they’re going to pick up what you do. And they
[00:45:14] Love it. They like it. They’re going to do it to their children.
[00:45:18] Mm hmm. Yeah. So it is passing along to future generations.
[00:45:23] And that’s so important because that that is what we want. You know, we want our children to succeed. We want them to thrive. We want them to grow up to be responsible adults and and we want them to enjoy life as well. So if we can give them the tools to be able to do that and to yeah, and as you say, to be able to then pass on what they’ve learned like you were, you
[00:45:46] Did you know with
[00:45:47] Your your parents and your grandmother, you’ve passed that on and helped so many, so many people that now they’ll be able to do the same and we can keep this positive ball rolling and helping more people to be more understanding
[00:46:04] And good negotiators
[00:46:06] And happy healthy people
[00:46:09] And respectful respecting all people. I saw that with my father and my mother. You know, it doesn’t matter who the person is, what stage, what
[00:46:19] Background doesn’t matter.
[00:46:21] Respecting all people.
[00:46:23] Yeah, that’s truly what we need more of in this world. So I’m glad that you’re doing your part to foster that and future generations. If someone out there listening and watching wants to get more information, maybe take one of your courses. What’s the best way for people to get in touch with you?
[00:46:44] Well, you can email me at Debra
[00:46:50] Healthy Parenting three six zero dot com.
[00:46:54] Ok, excellent.
[00:46:56] And we do have a gift for your audience, too. It’s the three step
[00:47:01] Choice plus boys formula.
[00:47:04] It’s the path to get your child to listen. It’s just one of the techniques, and I’m sure you’ll put that in in the information for them later.
[00:47:15] Yep, yep, I have the link for
[00:47:16] That and
[00:47:18] The show notes, so don’t worry about it. Just check that out. Go to live love engage podcast scum later on, and you’ll be able to get that information right there from my website. So, you know, and I still have like lots of questions that I could ask, but because there’s there’s so many different topics to get on, so maybe I’ll have to have you on another day to talk about them. But I really appreciate you being with us today, and I know that you’ve helped a lot of people
[00:47:48] Just from what
[00:47:49] You’ve what you shared in our time together. So thank you so much, Deborah.
[00:47:53] Thank you so much. I would love to share more time with you. Is helping people is wonderful. Thank you so
[00:48:00] Oh, awesome. And thank you for listening. And I hope you
[00:48:04] Have gotten a lot
[00:48:05] Of value out of
[00:48:07] This episode in
[00:48:08] Particular and and all of the episodes. And if you would care to leave us a review, I would love that too. You can go to actually the best place to do it is go to PodChaser dot com forward slash live love engage, and that would be great.
[00:48:25] And next time, I’ll probably
[00:48:29] Might even give someone a shout out for leaving a review because I know we’ve got a few on there, but their names are escaping me at the moment, so I’ll have to do it next time. And until
[00:48:38] Next time.
[00:48:40] As always, I encourage you to go out and live fully. Love deeply and engage authentically.
[00:48:48] Did you know that a majority of entrepreneurs tend to discount the importance of their work and a good number feel their success is simply due to luck? I know from personal experience that self-doubt can keep you from having the kind of life and business you desire. That’s why I’ve created a free guide called Uniquely You How to Move From Self-doubt to Self-love in four simple steps to claim your free guide. Go to live love. Engage dot gift. That’s live love. Engage dot G.I.F.T.