Introduction: Reframing Midlife as Creative Reconstruction
Gloria: Namaste. If you feel like you’re in a midlife crisis because you want something more, but you don’t know what that is yet, well, I want to offer you a reframe today, that midlife is a time for creative reconstruction. My guest today is actually going to offer you some guidance on how you can find the clarity you’re searching for so that you can design your life your way. And her name is Karen Herrera, and she is the author of Perimenopause Clarity, a warm, witty guide born from her own search for answers during midlife upheaval. And, yeah, let’s bring her on the show right now and dive into the subject. Welcome, Karen.
Karen: Hello, Gloria. How are you?
Gloria: I’m doing very well today.
Karen: Yeah, it’s been an interesting day of technical weirdness, I’m just gonna say. But I’m holding space that everything is going to be wonderful for our conversation today, because I know that this is something that is on… well, let’s face it, all women, we go through this at some point or another. We all go through it. And it can be maybe easier sometimes and harder at other times.
What “Creative Reconstruction” Means in Midlife
Gloria: So I mentioned at the beginning you like to call it a time for creative reconstruction. So how can these hormonal shifts that we go through, and the emotional shifts of midlife, how can that really be this catalyst for creative reconstruction or reinstruction?
Karen: Yeah, so we have this more authentic second act in our life. Whenever I first started going through the change, which we still call it now, it was also at the same time, right — we’re in our 40s when it starts, and then it can last well into our 50s, where if you have kids, your kids are getting a little older, if you’re in the middle of your career, you’re starting to assess, okay, is this the same place I want to stay? Do I want to think about doing something different in my life? And then at that same time, our hormones are all over the place. So sometimes we do start feeling like we’re going into a bit of a crisis mode. However, what I have found — just from going through everything — was it’s really that time when we start questioning what’s going on not only with our bodies, but with our life. Maybe what’s going on with us spiritually. Maybe the things that we were brought up thinking and believing really don’t resonate with us anymore. At the same time, our identity is changing, and we’re really starting to try to grasp — hey, what is most important to me now.
Karen: And so that creative recalibration that I like to think about is questioning what was important to us in the past and seeing if that is still in line with what really makes us tick now and going in and what might make us tick going forward. For me, I have always written mainly for myself. That was a little bit of a creative outlet for me. And then in the middle of the change, I went through some other changes that weren’t expected, and I decided to just say, you know what? At this point in time, I’m already rethinking what matters most to me. Maybe it’s time for me to start really focusing on my creative outlet more and putting some stuff out there, which is writing. So for me, that’s what some of that recalibration means, and how I think a lot of women can start thinking about what’s going on and reassess what matters, and make that change now before — quote — it gets too late. Now, I’m not a big believer in the whole ‘it’s too late for anything,’ but maybe going ahead and taking that time to reassess and recalibrate on their own and focus on what really matters.
Comparing Symptoms: Hormone Replacement Therapy, Night Sweats & Brain Fog
Gloria: You know, it’s interesting — I started my business in 2009, and that was also the time when I started meditating. I had been raised Catholic and was still going to church at that time; I don’t anymore. I fortunately did not do any type of hormones going through menopause, and I really feel it was because I was doing a very deep meditation practice, exploring vegetarianism here and there. I had nighttime sweats, but I didn’t have the daytime hot flashes and things I knew my mother had. Have you found anything about that at all?
Karen: I was a little bit of the opposite, with the exception of the night sweats — oh my God, those were just awful. My mother didn’t have a lot of symptoms, and I did. So you brought up hormone replacement therapy — I didn’t start doing that until late in my perimenopause years. I started entering perimenopause around 42-ish, but I didn’t really know at the time that’s what was happening, even though the symptoms were coming on — the brain fog was happening, questioning my own sanity half the time, snapping at people because somebody touched that pillow again. I’m 52 now, and I got into a regular meditation habit about the same time I started doing the hormones. That definitely helps center you whenever you’re starting to have a little bit of a hormone shift.
Karen: That practice of being able to be present and breathe and ask those questions — okay, what is really going on? — and asking the higher self too: help me understand, is this a hormone thing, or is this something deeper that I need to really sit and meditate on? And then you’ll get the answers. That’s where the meditation really helped me with recalibrating, as well as journaling it out.
Achieving Everything and Still Feeling Something Is Missing
Karen: You achieve all of the things that society has told you that you need to have to be happy — went to college, got the job, eventually got married, and then, of course, whatever, went to the divorce, that happens, 51%, whatever, no big deal, I’m not judging myself on that — but you achieve all of the things, and then you have it, and you’re like, I don’t know, I’m not unhappy, but you feel like something’s missing. It’s like ice, because I was stifling a lot of my creativity along the way to have the corporate, to have the business, whenever I really wasn’t ever focusing on my passion around the creative outlet, around writing.
Gloria: It’s amazing, and I think that’s really something worth appreciating — that this really can be a time of renewal, of going back to figuring out what did I like to do maybe before I had kids, or even before I embarked on the job and career. What was I like as a teenager? What gave me pleasure back then, and how can I incorporate that now, even in a different way?
Karen: Yes, absolutely, because it is that time to reassess. Fortunately, if we’re fortunate enough to have some savings, some things set aside, maybe we can go ahead and take the time to really go after certain passions — those things you loved before the world, society, our families said, okay, you need to do this, this, this, this, you can do that kind of fun stuff later. This midlife does allow you that time to recalibrate, really does.
Retiring the Word “Crisis”: A New Take on Midlife for Men and Women
Karen: That whole term ‘crisis’ — that stupid word has been out there forever, and a lot of it had to do with men and cars. I think it’s a horrible thing that we do to men too, to say, oh, they have a crisis. Maybe they’re finally at a point in time when they’re earning enough money, and they’ve taken care of their kids or family, and now they can do some things for themselves. They’re not buying the sports car at 34 because they’re taking care of their stuff — but when they’re a little older, they have the ability to do it. So who cares? Write a book, buy a car, do whatever makes you feel good, because it’s time to do those things and stop worrying about what so many people think.
Supporting Empty Nesters Who Feel Lost After the Kids Leave
Gloria: I participate in different Facebook groups, especially for older women, and I would see so many empty nesters who are just lost now because the kids aren’t home, and a lot of times the kids don’t call. How do you help women who are lost — the kids are out of the house now and they don’t know what to do with themselves?
Karen: That’s where I go back and start saying, what do you love? What lights you up? For some women it’s just, hey, I want more time to volunteer and give back, and that’s great, that’s altruism, it helps everybody. But whenever I have friends who are like, I’m not certain what I’m gonna do, sometimes I’ll say, get a journal and just start free-writing. You will be so surprised at what will come out. I try to tell other women to give yourself grace if you’re not sure, because it may not come overnight — you might try four or five different things before you settle on a couple that you really enjoy, and that’s okay.
Karen: The thing I try to help women not do whenever they’re going through this is nothing. I try not to sit and ruminate on not having the answers yet. Any kind of action is good — getting out and walking is good, meditating is wonderful, cooking, anything — just movement brings clarity all the time. So that’s really what I try to do: just do something. Don’t do nothing.
Gloria: You could foster a pet if you don’t have your own, or foster a child, or become a big brother or big sister, join a Girl Scout troop — because you’ve got these skills, you don’t have to let them just sit by the wayside now that your own kids are out of the house. That gets you exposed to other little souls and ideas, and it really fires you up.
Common Misconceptions About Perimenopause and Menopause
Gloria: What is a common misconception that women have about this time of life, going through this change?
Karen: One is how early it can start. Growing up, I always thought a woman going through the change looked like one of the Golden Girls — I never thought they looked like, okay, I’m 52. Fortunately we’re hearing a lot more people talking about it now, which is great. But one misconception is, if you’re in your early 40s and starting to feel off, you may want to get some hormone panels run, because if you find out early what’s happening, you can start the different practices — breathing techniques, maybe hormones, maybe just changing your diet a little bit — at least you understand what’s going on.
Karen: Another misconception is people start saying menopause like it’s this big transition period. Menopause is actually just the 12-month anniversary of our last menstrual cycle. Once we haven’t had a period for 12 months, we’re considered to have flipped into menopause, and then we’re postmenopausal. And it’s not a medical condition — it’s a life transition. It happens over a span of years, and it does not happen the same way for every single woman. Not everybody is going to have hot flashes, not everybody is going to have night sweats. I also had heart palpitations, which I had no idea about — those are due to different hormones fluctuating and spiking at different times.
Karen: It’s really important, if you’re starting to feel off and you’re in your early 40s, to talk to your doctor about running some hormonal tests to see if things are starting to shift for you — versus, oh, maybe now I have ADHD and need to get on antidepressants, because that’s another thing that can happen. Your doctor may look at you and say, you’re not menopausal, because not everybody is properly trained on it. You need to start advocating for yourself and listening to your body and doing some research, because that’s what I had to do.
Advocating for Yourself and Finding the Right Provider
Gloria: There’s still so much of a cultural bias, or this cultural idea that either it’s not normal, it’s a problem, and drugs are going to be the way to fix it. I didn’t realize there was this whole ‘before’ period that can last years.
Karen: We assume that gynecologists are going to be the ones who know everything, but not all of them do — really only about a third of them get any formal training in their residency programs, even today. You can go to menopause.org and see the studies. Now you’re starting to see more people in the public eye talk about it — Halle Berry put Gavin Newsom on notice because he wasn’t advocating for more menopause care; Drew Barrymore had a hot flash on her show and it went viral. When people talk about it more, that’s when we can start advocating for our providers to get more training, and we’re finally starting to see continuing-ed classes around menopause and perimenopause care fill up.
Gloria: One of the most important lessons is really advocating for yourself and doing research, talking to your doctor, and if you’re not getting the help or the answers, talking to friends or family members and getting a referral to somebody else who can help.
The Layoff That Led to Writing Perimenopause Clarity
Karen: The story behind how the book came out — I had been writing a funny essay about perimenopause on the side, maybe brave enough to actually put it out there. Then I was laid off from a job I’d had for six years, out of nowhere. That was when my whole recalibrating really started kicking in — I just got laid off from a job I wasn’t all that excited about, and I felt like this is the universe kicking me in the butt, going, it’s time for you to actually go after your dream. I was fortunate enough to get six weeks of severance, and I decided, before I go back and look for another job I’m not necessarily going to care about, maybe I should focus on getting some of my work out there. I took that essay and turned it into the guide I wish I had.
Karen: There are books out there written by healthcare professionals, but I wasn’t getting the help I wanted from my own provider. So I told my story in the book, but also put in a lot of different ways women can get help — diet, breathing, herbs and adaptogens. It’s a holistic guide, not just a ‘here’s my story,’ but the pros and cons of each option, including an entire chapter on emotional wellness, how to talk to your partner, and sexual health. I wanted somebody to be able to go, is that true? Yes — here’s the research, the Mayo Clinic, Menopause.org. I just wanted to take that time in life and turn it into my first book, hoping it would help another woman feel a little better about herself.
The Power of Community When You Feel Alone
Karen: When I feel so alone, like there’s something wrong with me — it’s good to have other women you can talk to about it, because that’s the thing: community. When we start saying, okay, I’m not the only one, what helped you? That’s more powerful than potentially getting misdiagnosed by your provider, which is what my GP wanted to do for me about four years ago, telling me to up my ADHD medication when really it was hormones changing.
Gloria: We really do need more groups of women getting together. I was fortunate — when we first moved to Orlando I got in touch with a group called Mothers and More, and it was wonderful, not just for stay-at-home moms but working moms too. Unfortunately it closed down, but we still need this stuff — it’s so valuable to have other people you can look in the eye and go, yeah, I get it, and you’re doing great, even though you might not feel like you are.
Trusting Intuition and Your Higher Self in Midlife
Gloria: What role does intuition or inner guidance play during this phase of life?
Karen: I think it’s one of the most important pieces of this puzzle. When we’re young, we start getting programmed by society, by our family, what we need to think, how we need to worship, what should be important to us — get a college degree, get a career, get married. Whenever we start to slow down and do that recalibration in midlife and ask those deeper questions, our intuition and our higher self, who have always been talking to us, we just haven’t been in a place where we could hear them. We start hearing them more. We start trusting our intuition more. For me, I can feel it in my gut more than I ever could — whenever I meditate, I ask the question, take a deep breath, and the answer starts to come.
Karen: In this phase of life, when we start calming and not listening to all the chaos around us, that’s when you can hear your guides and your intuition even more, and actually respond in the way that helps us get to where we want to be — meaning, don’t be afraid anymore, because you are being guided.
Why Every Decade Keeps Getting Better
Gloria: It’s this — I was telling someone earlier today that every decade now has gotten to be so much better. I’m really enjoying life more and more.
Karen: There’s so much more freedom now, because when we’re young we’re trying to do all the things we think are right, worried about what other people might think. Now I don’t care as much — it’s got to please me first and foremost. As long as I’m doing the best I can. It’s not that it’s selfish to be selfish — what people call selfish, where you’re taking care of yourself, is actually useful, because when someone accuses you of being selfish, it’s usually because they want you to take care of them. So now who’s really being selfish?
Karen: Did I ever self-care in my 20s, 30s, mid-40s? I started going, I need something or I’m gonna lose it, because you’re trying to fulfill everybody else’s expectations. And we’re wondering why we’re feeling empty in our late 40s — it’s because we have not been self-caring the way we should have.
Final Advice for Anyone Feeling Overwhelmed
Gloria: If someone listening right now is feeling confused, overwhelmed, or scared, what’s one piece of advice you want to leave them with?
Karen: Give yourself a little grace. Your feelings are always valid — you’re feeling this way for a reason, it just might not be the reason you really think. Take the time to have some alone time, either to breathe and reflect and ask those internal questions, or even just sit and free-write. Sometimes whenever you get it out and reread it, it’s not as scary as you think, because sometimes we’re just reacting to the world around us. But give yourself grace, understand your feelings are valid, and then start to question the why behind it. If you can get to the bottom of it, it might just be — you know what, it’s because I chose career A versus career B, and at the time I thought that was the best choice for me. And now you’ve given yourself grace, and you can stop comparing and worrying and ruminating.
Karen: It’s just information, and it’s an invitation to get curious and figure out what’s behind this. I don’t think we take enough time to do that whenever we’re younger.
Where to Find Karen Herrera and Perimenopause Clarity
Gloria: For anyone who wants to get the book or learn more about you, where’s the best way for folks to get a hold of you?
Karen: You can find me at karenaherrera.com — K-A-R-E-N-A-H-E-R-R-E-R-A dot com. You can email me at karen@karenaherrera.com, and there’s also other information on my website. I’d love to hear from you, even any stories anyone has they want to share.
Gloria: Well, thanks so much for joining us, I really do appreciate it.
Karen: Thank you so much, Gloria. This has been so, so wonderful.
Gloria: Thank you. And I do want to thank all of you for watching and for listening today. I hope that you did take away a few nuggets of amazing wisdom that Karen shared with us, and hope that you will use it now going forward so that you can start to design your life your way.
