Introduction: Meet Becky Bolt and Her Journey to Aging Gratefully
GLORIA: Namaste.
GLORIA: Today’s guest made a decision at age 65 that changed everything. She stopped fighting aging. Becky Bolt had spent years, like so many of us, trying to outrun or outsmart the aging process. But somewhere along the way, she noticed something. There’s two kinds of elders in this world.
GLORIA: Those who are miserable physically and emotionally regardless of their circumstances, and those who are content regardless of theirs. And she realized which camp she wanted to belong to. I know which one I want to belong to as well. But that realization led her to come up with a wonderful booklet called Aging Gratefully. And it is a guide for accepting, appreciating and actually enjoying the process of getting older.
GLORIA: Which it’s written actually for anyone who is ready to trade the battle for something closer to achieving peace instead. So I’m going to be bringing her on in just a moment to sort of share her thoughts and, and hard won perspective and hopefully then provide an invitation to all, all of us out there to live our remaining years with more optimism and gratitude, starting where we are right now. So with that in, over and done with, with a good introduction, I hope, hope she liked that. I’m going to bring her up onto the stage and welcome you. Becky.
BECKY: Hi. That’s a great introduction. Thank you.
GLORIA: Well, I’m, I’m so glad to have you on the show. And, and just full disclosure here.
GLORIA: I have known Becky actually in person. We have actually met in person for a change. Compared to some of my, most of my podcast guests. I, she, she actually wants a. Helps run a wonderful organization here in Central Florida called People of Diversity.
GLORIA: And I was made aware of this wonderful booklet that you wrote a couple of weeks ago when you actually presented it at one of our, one of the events that you hold. So I thought we’ll start a little bit at I guess this, maybe the, the inspiration for this and. Okay, but, but maybe even before that was, you know, you say that at 65 you realize that battling ageless aging is useless. Useless. Okay, if I can get my tongue to work here.
The Grocery Store Moment That Sparked Aging Gratefully
GLORIA: So was there a specific moment that brought you to that realization or was it kind of more of a slow dawning on you?
BECKY: It actually was a number of moments in the same sort of circumstance. And that was I would go out to, to the store, just to the grocery store and walking around the grocery store and I would see these people, these elderly people and they would be dressed nice and sometimes I’d see them getting in their cars and stuff and they, they seem like they had a lot of good things in their lives. But they were looking miserable. Just their, their faces were, you know, and, and they would be snappy with each other and.
BECKY: Or they’d be totally by themselves and look so lonely and everything. And it just got me thinking about how many times, how much money and effort and heart that we put into trying to avoid getting older and why. It just, it doesn’t seem like that works. You’re not going to not get older unless you die. That’s just, that’s it.
GLORIA: That’s great. Yeah. You can’t avoid it.
BECKY: Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
A Legacy of Service: What Becky’s Mother Taught Her About Growing Older
GLORIA: Yeah, we’re. We’re all, we’re all getting older by the second, no matter how old you are at this moment. And yeah, I, you know, thinking about this today, I was like, yeah, you know, I. God bless my mom. I loved her, but she was tempted to be in that first category of the person who was miserable, you know, physically.
GLORIA: She definitely had a lot of, A lot of stuff going on and. But then also emotionally and like, you know, I miss talking to her on the phone now, but. Yeah, but you know, in the couple years before she passed, I didn’t really like talking to her on the phone because it was always complaining. Either complaining about a relationship to her second husband or complaining about, you know, what was going on with her physically. And it was just like, I would love to get a word in edgewise, mom, and just tell you about what’s going on in my life instead of listening to you complain.
GLORIA: So I wonder, do you have any. How were like maybe either your friends or your family members. Do you also find that some of them fall into either of those categories as well?
BECKY: Well, the dedication that my book is dedicated to my mom because she, she lived to be 87. She lost.
BECKY: She died in 2013. My dad, who was her husband for many, many, many, many years, he died in 1993. So she was by herself for many years. Lived by herself in our. In the home I grew up in, which was out in the country.
BECKY: I mean, it wasn’t like she could walk to the neighbor’s house, but she was very much into her church. She was, she’s very Catholic. She helped so much in her church. She, she was going and picking people up when she was in her mid-80s and driving them to church and doing. She never stopped serving.
BECKY: And so I would say she was one. And even when she had physical issues, which she had a fair number of, of course it’s hard to get to be that age without.
BECKY: Didn’t matter that she, she knew what was important in her life and that was just such a good example for me and all my sisters. I have three younger sisters and we all just agree that that was just such an amazing example from her. So I dedicated the booklet to her.
GLORIA: Yeah, you know, I’ve got more questions, but I’m just thinking right now that I think that’s, I think we just, you just touched on a good key of how to age gratefully, but also maybe even graciously is being of service. Because, because I’m always thinking of my, my grandmother.
GLORIA: Now my mom passed away at 78, but my grandmother lived to 95. And for a lot of her years, I mean into her 80s, I think even still she was working at her church and, and, and they had like a social hall and they would have like get togethers, either special events, dances and things or even just. I think they’re, they’re weekly things. But she was always out there. Like I, I picked, I see her in my mind’s eye now, you know, just going around selling raffle tickets, you know, going out to all tables and socializing with all the people there.
GLORIA: And so she was a very much a social butterfly. And I think, unfortunately, I know my mom was more of a service oriented person I think earlier on, but I then I think as time went on she got into, you know, she let her health problems, I think take over too much to them. You know, and sometimes when you’re in pain, that’s. That overrides everything.
BECKY: Yeah.
BECKY: You know, it, it so easily can. So. Yeah, that’s what I’m going to read something real quick. Yeah. That made me think about this.
BECKY: So in the, in the dedication I said to my mom who taught me that a life of service never ends. Her legacy lives on in her children, grandchildren and the many others whose lives she’s touched. And that says to, that to me says it all about service. You can, you can be in service and you can go and do lots and lots of things. And maybe you think that when you die your service is done, but it’s not, it’s not everybody that you were an example for.
BECKY: Everybody that saw you doing whatever kind of service it was, it lives on. And that’s, that’s pretty, that’s what a lot of people would like to, to have happen after they die is for something. For the good memories from people.
GLORIA: Yeah.
Why Battling Aging Is a Battle Nobody Wins
GLORIA: You know, we talk about, you know, that, that phrase I, I mentioned about battling aging. What, what does that, what does that look like to you or, and what have you observed even.
BECKY: And that was one of the things that that got this idea for this booklet in my head was how much time and energy and money and, and, and heart, everything we put into battling, battling something that we can’t, we can’t win that battle. We are not going to win that battle. What is the point of me, you know, doing wrinkle, removing and doing all these things to my body to make myself look younger? I don’t, I got, just got to the point where this is silly.
BECKY: I mean it’s, it’s silly. Just be happy with who I am now. And I think that that’s just really important. It’s just to be happy with how you are. You don’t need to, you know, not ever take a bath or you know, do, do those kind of things that keep you healthy.
BECKY: But to do things that you’re doing, particularly if you’re doing just to impress other people, if you’re, if you’re wearing the, you know, doing the hair stuff and doing all the things to your hair and wearing all the makeup and fancy clothes and things just to impress other people. It got to a point in my life where I said that I don’t need to impress other people. Other people that I really care about and are going to be impressed with me if I’m real. I just want to be real.
GLORIA: Yeah, absolutely.
Youth Culture, Makeup, and Doing It for Yourself Instead of Others
GLORIA: And I think that’s, that’s sort of the. I think what has made it put this pressure, put this pressure on people to sort of resist aging is because especially here, you know, in Western culture has put such a focus on looking young and acting young and gearing advertising to do that. In fact, I actually, one of the first episodes I did on this podcast was based on. I was going through my mom’s recipes and I found this old ad for hair coloring from like the 70s, early 70s, and you know, when it was about, you know, covering up your gray hair. And I think this is why we’ve become such a youth obsessed culture that we, there isn’t as much respect for people as they age because we’re wanting them to stay young.
GLORIA: Right. Instead of just embracing and just saying, you know, these gray hairs are a sign of a life lived. It’s nothing to necessarily have to cover up. But if you want, if you want to do it for you, you know, that’s perfectly fine. If it makes you feel good, that’s different.
GLORIA: But if, as you said, if you’re doing it to maybe impress somebody else or to just try to fit in or fit into this concept of like, I want to just, you know, be still look like I’m 30, even though I’m 75. Right. Really not going to work too well.
BECKY: I. I used to have a really, really, I’m going to say bad attitude, for lack of a better word about makeup once I start. Once I quit wearing makeup, I would see women with all of this makeup on and just all kinds of.
BECKY: On their. On their, you know, makeup, makeup, makeup, spending lots and lots of money and time and effort on their makeup every morning. I didn’t want to get up that early, but I had a friend of mine, actually, she’s a friend of my daughter. She’s my friend, too, but she’s my daughter’s age. And she.
BECKY: We were talking about that one day because she always wears tons of makeup. And she looked at me, she says, she said, that is art to me. When I do my makeup, I spend a lot of time, and it is my. One of my expressions of art. And that.
BECKY: That helped me give it, you know, a different perspective. That, like you said, if you want to do. If you want to color your hair for you, then that’s fine. If you’re doing it for you. She’s doing all this makeup for the enjoyment of doing her makeup.
BECKY: So that, yeah, that was a place that I caught myself being real judgmental, and I got over it. So.
GLORIA: Yeah, and I think that’s. That’s the important part is that we want to be able to do things for ourselves that make us feel good and, and so. But not have to abide by what society says we’re supposed to do or what we’re supposed to look like or how we’re supposed to feel.
GLORIA: You know, if you, if you. As long as you’re doing things to help you be healthy and. And it’s not going to harm anybody else, then I think there’s. There’s.
BECKY: Right.
BECKY: It’s okay. You can cut yourself some slack and. And be okay. Right?
GLORIA: Yeah.
Miserable vs. Content: What Really Separates the Two Kinds of Elders
GLORIA: Now, when we talk about these different groups of elders, have you.
GLORIA: What have you figured out to be? Is. Is there. What’s kind of like the main difference? Is it, you know, you know, we kind of touched on this a little bit already.
GLORIA: Is it, you know, is it circumstance? Like maybe they’re having some health issues? Is it mindset? Is it something they practice or. Or something else entirely?
BECKY: Right. I think a lot of it is a lot of the emotional. And to me, a lot of the physical stuff happens because of the emotional stuff. They’re not. They’re not separate.
BECKY: I. And I think the emotional things. I think a lot of People that are miserable in their elder years are miserable because they’ve never dealt with the trauma that they had when they were young. And that could be anywhere from, from being in childhood, from young trauma all the way through, you know, through part of their adult life. I mean, things happen to people all through their lives.
BECKY: Some of it can be, that’s not such a big deal. And some of can be absolutely devastating. You know, we, we see people in our emotional breakthrough workshop that we do, we see people that were so totally abused when they were young that they can’t remember their childhood. They block that out. So I think a lot of times when people get to their elder years and they’re miserable physically and emotionally, it’s because they haven’t dealt with that trauma that has happened to them throughout the rest.
BECKY: The rest of their lives. And there’s lots of ways to deal with your trauma. You just have to be aware of it, that there is trauma and be willing and admit, yes, this stuff happened to me as a child or as a teenager, even as an adult, this happened to me. And I can. There’s lots of ways to deal with it.
BECKY: And I think that that makes a big difference over in, in how we end up spending our elder years either being miserable or being at peace, being happy.
GLORIA: Yeah. Well, have you, have you come across people who seem to have every reason to be miserable and yet weren’t, you know, whether they’ve had house troubles?
BECKY: Absolutely.
GLORIA: And have you talked to them about what was, you know, what helps keep them to have a positive attitude?
BECKY: Right. I think it’s dealing with past trauma, accepting themselves. I, I’m not a particularly, quote, religious person, but I’m a spiritual person. I believe in. I believe in a loving entity out there, actually in here, that, that helps me stay centered.
BECKY: Some people don’t have that, and that’s what helps me stay centered and happy. There’s just all kinds of things in the, in the world, but I think it starts with just making that decision. I’m not going to spend my time in my days in and blaming everybody else for everything that’s wrong in my life. I’m going to look at what I think is wrong in my life and decide how I want to deal with it. And that can be going to counseling, that can be writing.
BECKY: I mean, I’m a big, big fan of just writing, writing your feelings out. Nobody ever has to read it. Just writing it out and getting it out. Talking to people, talking to friends, talking to, again, counselors that are people that are trained. If it’s something that’s.
BECKY: That’s pretty. That needs that kind of depth of treatment. There’s lots of ways, but you just have. The first thing you have to do is say, okay, I don’t have to be miserable. Some people may want to be miserable.
GLORIA: Yeah, that’s true. That’s an issue as well, you know. Well, yeah, and that’s what I was going to ask you is like, on the flip side, have you known people who seem to have, you know, like, they shouldn’t theoretically have a care in the world and everything is, you know, very. They have a lot of advantages and yet they’re still miserable, right?
BECKY: Oh, yeah.
BECKY: There’s. And that’s. That’s the kind of people that I used to see in the store, you know, that started all this.
BECKY: You look at them and it’s like, why. You want to just ask them, why are you. Why are you so down? Why are you. Why can’t you be happy?
BECKY: And most of the time when you ask people that, and I don’t go around the grocery store asking people that, although it’s tempting, but when I have asked people that, it’s because they immediately go into blaming other people. They don’t take responsibility for their lives, for their. Their emotional and mental attitude. They blame other people. So.
BECKY: And so did this to me and Daddy. Daddy, Da. And they. They don’t realize that they’re messing with things that they can’t change. You can’t change if you were.
Forgiveness as Freedom: Letting Go of What You Can’t Change
BECKY: If things happen to you in your past or yesterday or this morning. If something that you can’t change, don’t waste your time on it. Don’t waste your time on it. Forgive them and keep moving. Forgiving them.
BECKY: Forgiving people doesn’t mean that you say it’s okay.
GLORIA: That’s right.
BECKY: Yeah. It’s not. It’s not okay if you.
BECKY: Especially if you were physically abused or something like that. It’s not okay if somebody even just talks mean to you or the guy that passes you on the road and flips you off because you, you know, didn’t drive like they wanted you to. You’re not going fast enough. Whatever. Just forgive them.
BECKY: You can’t fix it. You can’t fix it.
GLORIA: Yeah, exactly.
BECKY: And. And the forgiveness is really for yourself anyways, for your peace of mind, because they.
BECKY: They may never even know. And even if they do know, they may not even care. And so. So it’s just. It’s not going to do you any good.
BECKY: It’s for you.
GLORIA: It is for you. My husband and I were talking about this earlier today.
GLORIA: He was, he’s probably going to watch this and go, you didn’t have to tell him that. But he was fussing about a person that we know, and he was fussing about this guy’s attitude in general. I said, but you got to remember what we say all the time is, what happened to them? Why are they in the mental, emotional state? Which to me leads right to your physical state.
GLORIA: What happened to them when they were kids? Why do they feel like they need to beat up on people? Not physically, but because that’s probably what happened to them. And you can’t change that.
BECKY: Nope.
BECKY: And all we can do is do what we’re doing and throw it out there to them and say, hey, you can change that. You can change that attitude. You can make it okay.
Accepting Aging vs. Appreciating It: The Difference That Changes Everything
GLORIA: Yeah, absolutely. Now, I know you’re, you’re booklet kind of focuses on helping elders accept, appreciate, and enjoy getting older.
GLORIA: Can you walk us through the difference, though, between, like, simply accepting aging versus actually appreciating it? I think that, you know, there’s, there’s a, some difference there, I think, right?
BECKY: Oh, yeah, definitely.
BECKY: I think if you accept something, you say, okay, this is it. I’m getting older. I can’t help it. I, you know, I’m not going to change it. I’m going to get older and older.
BECKY: I’ll accept that, and I’m not going to fuss about it. And I’ll try to put a smile on my face and keep, keep going. I think appreciating it goes way deeper. Appreciating it, you feel it in your heart. You say to yourself, you know, I’m going to write down tonight, I’m going to write 10 things down that happened today that wouldn’t have happened when I was 20 years old.
BECKY: I’m going to talk to one of my grandkids and, and just maybe see if I can. Without preaching to them. That’s another problem. Without preaching to them. But just share some time with them and, and help them look at their lives in a way that their parents can’t do because they’re not old enough.
BECKY: Just things like that, things that you can look at and do with that idea of doing this is going to make me happy. Doing this is going to help somebody else. It goes back to service again. And that, to me, is appreciating. There’s so many things now that I know and that I do that I always tell people.
BECKY: I never got a brain Until I was 40, you know, you know, you know what I Mean, some people probably didn’t wait that long. But, you know, as a. As a young, younger person, I was very often dingbat. Now I feel like I have done things. I can do things now that I enjoy.
BECKY: And I appreciate the age that I have gotten to be that age where I can. Where I can share those things or just enjoying myself, even if it’s not sharing with anybody, just being myself, you know?
GLORIA: Well, I love that you said that. To write down things that you. What did you say that.
GLORIA: That you couldn’t have done 20 years ago that you can do now? I think. Was that what you said or vice versa?
BECKY: Just the idea that. Just the idea to.
BECKY: When I said writing things down, that’s. That’s a good way to bring to your mind, at least for me to bring to my mind things that I appreciate about being older.
GLORIA: Yeah.
BECKY: Things that I can. That I can do now that when I was younger, I would never have thought about doing.
BECKY: Yeah. Or none. Or known how to do.
GLORIA: Yeah. Do you find that.
The Power of a Daily Gratitude Practice
GLORIA: That gratitude practice really is like one of. In addition to being of service, I think is something that really does help. Help us to be able to. I mean. Well, the title of your book says aging gratefully as.
GLORIA: So. So do you find that that is the. One of the key components?
BECKY: Gratitude is huge. And the.
BECKY: The funniest thing about gratitude to me is I can be in a funk. I can be upset about something or whatever, and if I just change my perspective to one of gratitude. Look for something to be grateful for in this. Even bad things, even horrible things, like if a. A friend of a friend of yours dies or has A friend of mine had a stroke recently.
BECKY: A really good friend of mine, and she lived. And she’s different than she was. She’s. She’s. But I went out to visit her and we just laughed.
BECKY: And we still do when we talk on the phone and stuff. If she can’t. If she can’t think of a word, and she’ll just get off fussy with herself and stuff, and then we’ll laugh. That’s. I am grateful that even though that’s a bad thing.
BECKY: Bad thing. Our relationship has continued and it makes us both happy. So just. Just being able to switch that mindset from, oh, this is so terrible, her to looking for things that are good, looking for things that make you grateful. It changes everything.
BECKY: And it happens like that.
GLORIA: Yeah. I love that. What are some of the. Some of the chapters that you have in this.
Redefining Relationships with Men in the Elder Years
GLORIA: This book? Refreshment. Refresh my memory, because I know you, you were, you were kind enough to, to go through some of them. What, what were, what are maybe one or two that you think I especially would apply to women, you know, who are wanting, who are listening to this right now and are, and are wanting to, you know, have to have the rest of their life be something that they really enjoy.
BECKY: Right.
BECKY: Well, and as I was writing this, I didn’t really, I, it’s very selfish. I wrote it for me, you know, and then, you know, and as I would, and I would just write down in my phone or on a piece of paper, I had notes everywhere, you know, about things. And it’s not, I think one of the chapters is about relationships with men that I have noticed over the years. So when I was a kid or, you know, once I got to puberty or whatever and men became important, males became important in my life, I would notice that a lot of times. And, and I hope that this isn’t as prevalent now as it was when, when I was a kid.
BECKY: But you know, they would just, they didn’t care what I thought about things. They didn’t care what I had to say. You know, it was, everything was physical. Everything was physical. And as I’ve gotten older, I got to the point where physical attractiveness wasn’t really, you know, I don’t, I’m not physically attractive like women are supposed to be these days.
BECKY: I don’t wear makeup, I don’t do, you know, I don’t all those things that are considered physically attractive. And so I would just be ignored a lot of times. Totally ignored. Because if it, if it wasn’t worth it physically, then why bother? And then as I’ve gotten older and I’ve reached my elder years, I think it’s so cool because I can talk to other elder men.
BECKY: And we have so much in common. We were retired, we have grandkids, we have aches and pains, we have this, that and the other that you have with other elders. And in the men, it’s gotten past the male ego. You know, they’re not interested in the male ego part of it. They’re not trying to impress the women.
BECKY: They’re not, you know, they’re just people. And that’s been so enjoyable. But a really cool thing that I’ve noticed is that with younger men, they seem to be more willing to have conversations with me than when I was a middle aged woman. Like a younger man wouldn’t, you know, they were like standoffish or whatever. Now younger men, they, they, oh, here, let me help you.
BECKY: With that, can I help you do that? But they’re not condescending and they’ll ask me for advice. They’ll ask, they’ll talk to me about things. And I just think that’s, that’s so cool because again, it’s not a man woman thing. It’s people.
BECKY: And we’re people, all people. And I’ve just really. Some of my best friends now are men. And it’s, it’s. It basically doubles the amount of people out there in the world you can be friends with and be really.
BECKY: And really be friends.
GLORIA: Yeah. So that’s, that’s one of the things I think with that maybe other women can appreciate. And the same could be said for, for women that are. That are lesbians or gay people.
GLORIA: You know, you just look at it from. We’re all people. It doesn’t matter.
BECKY: Yeah, absolutely.
GLORIA: You know, one of the things I’ve noticed that and that you refer to and that I don’t think gets you.
Why ‘Elder’ Beats ‘Elderly’: A Native American Perspective on Aging With Honor
GLORIA: This word gets used enough in our society anymore, is that you are calling us folks who are over a certain age. You’re calling us elders, senior citizen or, you know, old people or whatnot. So what, what does elder mean to you? And why are you using that term?
BECKY: Yeah, me too. Because even the word elderly.
GLORIA: Yeah.
BECKY: Is condescending to me. You know, people say, oh, you’re.
BECKY: That person’s elderly. That’s, er. But an elder is, you know, and that’s, that’s strictly from a Native American. That’s where I got it, was from a Native American viewpoint. One of my best friends is part Lakota.
BECKY: She taught me how to pour sweat lodge and, and she gave me a ceremonial pipe. I have another friend that’s a. An elderly jungle. I said the bad word. An elder gentleman that’s Native.
BECKY: And he, he talks to me about elders. And if you look in, in history of Native American history and also other, other parts of the country, the elders are revered. They’re the ones that are honored. They’re the ones that people go to. They sit in the teepee and the people come to them and ask their advice.
BECKY: And in the groups of people that make the decisions for the tribe, the elders, they have the final word. So that’s why I like using that term, because it’s not condescending. It’s not. When you look at somebody and say, oh, they’re old people’s brains go to a, you know, a bad place. When you say someone’s an elder, then most of the time people’s minds go to something that’s good.
BECKY: And being an elder is good.
GLORIA: Yeah, yeah, it’s definitely. It connotes a sign of respect much different than the other. And, and it’s interesting, too, because I have a good friend who is. Is 10 years older than me, and she joined an organization years ago, though, that is.
GLORIA: It’s called the Crone’s Council. And that’s another word that has taken on a connotation. Negative connotation. When it really has. It’s.
GLORIA: It should be a positive, just like elder, but it’s speaking specifically for women.
BECKY: Right.
GLORIA: So it’s, It’s. It’s interesting Our, Our language.
GLORIA: Well, and by.
BECKY: I think by. Instead of trying to not use those words, but use those words in a positive manner.
GLORIA: Yeah.
BECKY: Then that’s going to change how people see them, hopefully.
GLORIA: For sure.
Holding Grief and Gratitude Together After Loss
GLORIA: What would you say to a woman who is looking at her lovely, changing body that, you know, does happen?
GLORIA: Those little lines and things around here. Her role is changing. Maybe her community is changing and maybe she’s experiencing, you know, losses of.
GLORIA: Of friends and family, things like that, and she’s feeling a lot of grief rather than gratitude. Is there room for both? And how. How do you sort of reconcile those? If so.
BECKY: Right. Yeah. There’s a lot of grief. And that’s one of the things I say in here is I go to way more funerals and celebrations of life than I do going to weddings and baby showers these days. There’s.
BECKY: There’s more grief. And it’s hard to. It’s hard to reconcile because you still can have a grateful attitude. You can still be in that mindset, in that place, in your own life of being happy and serene. Because when you’re.
BECKY: When you’re going through grief, you need to acknowledge it. You need to get it out, however, whatever that looks like, not just bottle it up and say, oh, well, you know, I can’t feel that way. That’s not right. No, it is right. And however long it takes to get over that, if you ever get over it, I mean, I, I will probably never.
BECKY: You know, my mom died in 2013. I will probably never get over my mom dying. I miss her a lot. My dad too, you know, and. And more and more people as we go along, that’s going to be the truth.
BECKY: But I just like to think about, okay, my mom would smack me. Not really, but if she thought I was sitting around being sad all the time because she’s gone, that’s not. That’s not the life she wanted for me to Live. And so if you’re in grief, I think that again, writing, talking to other people, getting it out, bringing it up to the surface, dealing with it, not ignoring it will, it’s not disrespectful to the people that you’re grieving or the situations that you’re grieving. It’s not disrespectful.
BECKY: It’s just saying, okay, I’ve got X number of days left. How do I want to spend them? And how would those people that I love that I’m grieving, how would they want me to spend them?
GLORIA: Yeah, I, that’s, I think that’s a really good, good point to, to pull out, but especially the, the part about knowing that it’s still, it’s okay to, to go through the grief to, to really feel it and don’t let someone try to tell you that, oh, you should get over it or, or, and I still, I still remember this of, oh well, you should still do this because they really, you, your loved one would want you to do this. And I’m like, but I don’t know them.
GLORIA: How do you really know that they would want me to do this? I’m going to be the better judge of that. So there sometimes can, you can be pressured sometimes from well meaning people.
BECKY: Exactly. Well, because people don’t like to, they don’t want to deal with you if you’re in grief.
BECKY: They don’t, you know, that makes them uncomfortable. So you have to do what’s best for you and, and just do it from your heart. Because if you, if you’re grieving and you, you’re going to end up like some of those, if you, if you, and get over. It’s not the right term, but accept it, accept it. And then you’re going to be like those people in the grocery store that never, you know, never smile and you’re gonna, you’re gonna miss out on a lot in your life because you, you don’t.
BECKY: I can’t even think of what they. You’re not ever going to lose it. You’re not going to lose that grief. You know, it’s going to always be there. It just doesn’t have to be.
BECKY: It doesn’t have to be sad.
GLORIA: All consuming and sad.
BECKY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
GLORIA: Grief is love.
BECKY: Oh yeah, yeah, exactly.
GLORIA: I mean, and it’s really proof of how almost maybe not necessarily proof, but it, but it’s a reflection, let’s say of how much you really loved someone or something.
BECKY: Oh, yeah.
BECKY: Because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be grieving.
GLORIA: Exactly.
BECKY: Yeah. It’s because they matter to you.
GLORIA: Yeah.
GLORIA: Yep. And you miss them.
BECKY: Yeah.
GLORIA: A lot of times grief is purely selfish. You miss them?
BECKY: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.
GLORIA: You know, it’s like. It’s like I said, as much as my mom, you know, drove me crazy at times, I still wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her.
BECKY: Oh, yeah.
GLORIA: You know, but. But course, on the other hand, in a way, though, I kind of say, well, at least now I get to talk to you and I don’t have to hear you talking now.
GLORIA: It’s. Now it’s like. I know. You have to listen to me now.
BECKY: Oh, that’s funny.
BECKY: That’s good. Yeah. Yeah.
GLORIA: You know, well, hey, we. We have to manage how we have to manage, you know, Is there.
Becky’s Hope for Readers of Aging Gratefully
GLORIA: Well, no, actually, let me ask you this. So what is your. What is your, I guess, ultimate hope for. For this book? And.
GLORIA: And to be able to. What do you want people to be able to do? To take away from it? There we go. If that’s what I want to say.
BECKY: What do you want people to take away from it? I just. When I. And I did this today, because I knew I was coming on this podcast, I sat down and read it again. The whole thing, it’s short.
BECKY: You can read it quick, or you can read one little chapter of it in 10 minutes and think about that for the day or whatever. However. However you want to use it. And that’s what I hope people do. I hope people use it.
BECKY: If there’s parts of it that are funny, there’s parts of it that are serious. And I just hope that my. My hope for it is that people that read it look at their own lives and say, okay, I don’t want to be one of those old grouchy, complaining people that nobody wants to be around. That’s not how I want to spend the rest of my Life. Whether it’s two days or 20 more years or 30 more years, whatever it is, that’s not how I want to spend that time that I have left.
BECKY: And the secret to not doing that, it’s. It’s easy. It’s. Just change the attitude and. And look for ways.
BECKY: And it’s different for everybody. Look for ways to find gratitude for what you have in your life. You know, whether it’s the, you know, if. And this is one we talk about, you know, losing our. Our friends and our.
BECKY: Our parents and losing people that we care about, but just look back with gratitude of what they gave you. What the person that you are now. What did they give you that makes you that. And look at that. Just, you know, with gratitude.
BECKY: Thank you for, for that. Just everything in your life, just look for gratitude in it and it’ll make a huge difference. And that’s what I want people to do.
GLORIA: Yeah. Yeah.
GLORIA: And I think, I think that’s another good, like journaling exercise is to, to go through and you know, when you’re, when you’re feeling maybe sad about someone is to just, maybe spend, spend a few minutes and just reflect on all the, all the wonderful gifts they gave you or the, or special times you. You spent together. Maybe the silly times or, or even the annoying times sometimes too. And, and, and just, but give yourself that gift to remember and to then, then to really appreciate them.
GLORIA: Cool. In that situation. To write them a letter.
BECKY: Yes. Write them a letter.
BECKY: Dear so and so. Dear mom, remember when. Blah blah, blah, just in. And just let it, don’t worry about what it looks like or sounds like. Just.
BECKY: Yep. Let it out.
GLORIA: Absolutely. Oh, yes, I’ve done that.
BECKY: Yep.
GLORIA: And then I just tear it up in little pieces and you know, or, or, or have a ceremony and burn it or whatever you do,
BECKY: all that sort of stuff. It’s good.
GLORIA: Absolutely. Oh, awesome. Well, this has been wonderful and I’m so glad that you were able to be here today to chat with us.
How to Get a Copy of Aging Gratefully and Closing Thoughts
GLORIA: So someone wants to know more about the book, maybe see if they can get, get a copy of it from you. What’s the best way that people can reach out to you?
BECKY: Just reach out to my, my Gmail account right there. Beckybolt1 at gmail.com I’m trying to get these books out as, you know, as best I can to everywhere I had. My first set of books was donated to me, the printing, which was awesome.
BECKY: So if, you know, I just tell people if you can afford to. There’s not a price. There’s not a price. If you can afford to make a donation, that’s great. If not, just let me know and I can get, get one in the mail to you or bring it to you if it’s somebody local, whatever.
BECKY: I’m gonna, I think in the next couple of weeks I’m going to go to a assisted living place and, and do a talk like we did at the, at the Pod.
GLORIA: Yeah.
BECKY: And I’m going to take a bunch there and just let people have them.
GLORIA: So.
GLORIA: Yeah, I think that’ll be, that’ll be a wonderful gift for people. So.
BECKY: Yeah, yeah, it’s awesome.
GLORIA: Well, thank you very much for.
BECKY: Thank you.
GLORIA: Man, this time flew.
BECKY: I know. It did. It did.
BECKY: Thank you.
GLORIA: I love good conversations and I love talking about this stuff. It’s, it’s, it’s my jam. What can I say?
BECKY: Good jam. Awesome.
GLORIA: Well, thank you so much.
BECKY: Thank you, Gloria. I appreciate it.
GLORIA: Yeah. And I do want to thank all of you for listening today and for, and for watching and I hope, hope you’re inspired to, to age gratefully and appreciate it.
GLORIA: What. What you’ve got, you know, and, and make, make this next time of your life, you know, starting right today. Make today amazing and then, and then you can see if you can do it again tomorrow too. So with that, until we meet again, I encourage you to go out and live boldly and on purpose. It.
