If you’ve spent decades saying yes when you meant no, this episode is your permission slip to stop — and a gentle reminder that setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s sacred. Midlife women who engage in people pleasing often feel resentful, exhausted, or quietly invisible in their own lives. In this solo episode, I get real about my own lifelong journey as a people-pleaser that started in childhood and I name the real cost of living without boundaries: lost identity, low self-worth and a life that belongs to everyone but you.
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Together, we’ll explore what boundaries really are (and aren’t), why they’re an act of self-love rather than selfishness, and how to start setting them even when it feels deeply uncomfortable. I’ll share personal stories from my marriage, business, and coaching practice, and close with a Light Language transmission to help you energetically release the stress that keeps you saying yes when your soul is begging for rest.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- Why people-pleasing often starts in childhood, and why that pattern is costing you more than you realize now.
- The real reason boundaries feel selfish (they’re not) — and the mindset shift that changes everything.
- How to identify where you need boundaries most, using your body as your guide.
- Simple, compassionate language to set limits and hold them — even when someone pushes back.
- How a Light Language energy transmission can help you release the stress of over-giving and come home to yourself.
Whether you’re navigating midlife reinvention, healing from years of caretaking, or simply ready to stop abandoning yourself — you’ll walk away with clarity, practical language, and a renewed sense of permission to design your life, your way.
Resources & links mentioned:
L.O.V.E. Method — Gloria Grace’s signature framework: Let Go and Let God / Open Your Heart to Receive / Value Your Uniqueness / Embrace Your Divinity
Light Language Energy Healing Sessions — learn more at gloriarand.com/light-language-healing/
Design Your Life, Your Way – next steps:
Personal Power Archetype Quiz — Discover your unique archetype and what it reveals about your path forward. Take the free quiz at bit.ly/PersonalPowerQuiz
Good Grief Retreat — A sacred space to process life’s many losses and rediscover yourself. Learn more at goodgriefretreat.net
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Share this with a friend who’s navigating transition, reinvention, or a fresh start after 50.
Connect with me on LinkedIn @GloriaGraceRand to continue the conversation about midlife, meaning, and living on purpose.
TRANSCRIPT – Boundaries are Self-Care: How to Stop People Pleasing in Midlife
Are You a People-Pleaser? Recognizing the Pattern in Midlife
If you are tired of doing things for everyone else without feeling appreciated, you might be a people pleaser. I know, I’ve been there and I like to think that I am a reformed people pleaser now because I learned how to set boundaries. I’m still a work in progress. I can always do better at that. But I am getting better at setting boundaries and that’s what I want to talk about today.
So the importance, why do we need boundaries and how we can go about setting them.
Especially if you are someone in midlife who has been doing a lot of stuff for a lot of people over the years, whether that’s in your business, whether that’s in your family, if you’re a woman, odds are you have probably been a caregiver at some point in your life, even if you’re just taking care of cats or dogs, you know, because I know not everybody is a mother of children and that’s okay. You might be an aunt, maybe you, maybe you take care of your nieces or nephews, or your business is your baby. And it’s so important to have boundaries in all of those places because otherwise you can have a lot of stress in your life, you can have a lot of anxiety in your life.
What Does It Actually Mean to Have No Boundaries?
So what do I mean by boundaries? What, what does that mean really? Well, as I said, it’s about saying yes when you want to say no. A lot of the times it’s doing things for others, almost getting to be doing it as a habit or just automatically when someone is looking for a volunteer, you’re like, oh yeah, I’m there. Or, or maybe it’s just jumping in before even somebody needs help.
Maybe you’re just that go getter person and you like to be in control and you just want to take care of everything — in moderation. That’s a really good quality to have, to be that go getter, to be that leader, to be someone who takes action and also takes care of people. I mean, that’s a really good quality to have. The problem comes in when you’re doing it at the expense of your own health — physical and mental and emotional health. That’s when boundaries become important.
How People-Pleasing Erodes Self-Worth
Because again, when you don’t have boundaries, not only can it cause stress and exhaustion, but it can also really contribute to low self worth. Because if you are placing your value on making other people happy, well, let’s face it, sometimes what you do is not going to make people happy. And then you have to deal with that disapproval and that can really trigger shame and self doubt. And that’s not a good place to be. That’s not a happy place.
So that’s where boundaries are needed. Another thing that can happen if you don’t have boundaries is that when you are always putting others needs first, putting others preferences first, it can now be hard to know what you want. What do you really, really want?
As the Spice Girls used to sing. You know, you start forgetting.
How People-Pleasing Starts in Childhood — A Personal Story
And I gotta say — so I’m gonna share a little story here from my own life.
I started doing that at some point, you know, and I know it started as a kid actually, because I wanted — I was the peacekeeper of the family. My mother and father were often at odds. And so I would be the one who would try to, you know, go tell your father this and go tell your mother this. And so, yeah, I’m that person in the middle.
And so I learned that also because of tension in the house. And sometimes my mother, God rest her soul — she’s a wonderful lady, fantastic, amazing person, and also had a good Hungarian temper. So I would do whatever I could to please her because I didn’t want to be on the other end of her anger and have her be yelling at me. And so this led to — and I still even remember this at a young age — her buying me a particular outfit to wear to school that I just thought was the most hideous thing in the world.
But I couldn’t say that I didn’t like it because I was afraid of consequences, that she would yell at me, and I didn’t like that. And even right now, it’s like, oh, my gosh, I can still feel the tension in my chest coming up remembering that. Ah, Mom, I loved you, but, man, I really wished I could have been more honest with you. And hopefully I’ve done a better job raising my own kids so that they have been — I think they can be honest with me. I think they’ve been honest with me. I hope so, anyway.
So yeah, that’s why boundaries are important. And again, see, it can start in childhood and then it can continue as an adult.
When I Finally Realized I’d Lost Myself Completely
And so I remember — I might have told the story on the podcast before — but I was at a conference or workshop or something. Anyway, the point is they were having us imagine — they were doing some mindset work — and having us imagine what would be our ideal life. And at this point in my life, when we’re going through this exercise, I was drawing a blank.
I couldn’t come up with anything of what my ideal life would look like.
Oh, gosh. Yeah. Just thinking about that just makes me so sad for that version of myself that I was back then. Thankfully, this was many years ago — probably about eight years ago at least.
And I learned that, yeah, I had to start setting boundaries. And one of the biggest boundaries I set was asking my husband for a divorce. And let me tell you, that was a scary proposition because I didn’t know how he was going to react. But I decided that I needed to. I was tired of settling.
And that’s what having no boundaries leads to — you wind up settling. You let the other person have their way. And instead of sticking up for yourself and saying, no, I’m not happy, I don’t want to do things this way. I want it to be different.
The Real Benefits of Setting Boundaries for Your Health and Relationships
Okay, let me clear out some of that stress. So let’s talk about the benefits of setting boundaries now that we know kind of what it causes — a lot of negative energy.
So when you set boundaries for yourself, this helps you to have less stress. It helps prevent burnout. It allows you to protect your mental health. It helps to create safety and clarity and respect in your relationships. And this can be personal, but it can also be business relationships too.
Boundaries in Business: Setting Limits with Clients
Let me come back to this because I want to talk about the business part of this. When I was first starting out doing copywriting and online marketing as my business, I had a client who loved to set appointments with me to have these strategy sessions and we would plan out what he wanted to do with his marketing. And we would talk, sometimes up to an hour, and I would actually meet him in person — and then he wouldn’t implement what I suggested.
So I had to learn to set a boundary with him and say, okay, we’re only going to meet for this amount of time. And eventually I wound up letting this client go because he would keep complaining that his business wasn’t growing, but he wasn’t taking action doing the things that I suggested that could help him. He wouldn’t even try.
So I can’t work for someone like that. That’s where you have to set boundaries with clients — set work hours. In fact, that’s something I had to do too, because when I first started in business, I would be available on the weekends and almost 24/7. And you have to have a life, people.
Yes, your business is important, and of course when you’re first starting out you’re going to spend a lot of hours, but eventually you get to a point where — and I would say set this up sooner rather than later — set expectations with your clients. Yes, I will be available from 9 to 5, but otherwise send me an email and I will respond to you the next day, or whatever works for you. But set those expectations, set those boundaries, because otherwise you can really find yourself in a bad way.
Boundaries as Sustainable Compassion
So when you are able to set boundaries, it allows you to be more sustainably compassionate — and I would say compassionate when it matters — because you’re not always serving from an empty cup.
You are filling yourself up. You are practicing self care, and that’s what a boundary is. A boundary is an act of self care, and dare I say, self preservation as well.
And it helps to define your responsibilities. You know, what things you’re going to take care of and what things you’re not. And that way people understand — this is their responsibility. Like when I’m coaching a client, for instance, I set expectations that they need to fill out an intake form. They have weekly assessments to fill out. If we’re meeting weekly, they need to let me know they accomplished what they said they wanted to get done that week. So it’s defining what I’m going to be responsible for and then what they’re going to be responsible for. In this way, everybody’s on the same page and there’s no surprises.
“But I’ll Feel Guilty”: Overcoming the Fear of Setting Boundaries
So I can hear you saying out there, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, this sounds good in theory, but if I try to set a boundary with somebody and they don’t like it — I’m gonna feel bad, I’m gonna feel guilty, I’m gonna feel selfish.
Okay. Yes, you might feel that way in the beginning. But guess what? Like anything, setting boundaries requires practice. And it requires getting comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.
There’s this great song — it’s an oldie from the 70s, I think, by Rick Nelson. It was called “Garden Party.” And it goes, you know, you can’t please everyone, but you got to please yourself.
So this is where what you have to do — setting a boundary is a way of pleasing yourself. And the more you do them, the more you get used to doing them, it’s going to help you to feel more in control of your own life. You’re not letting other people dictate your life. You are regaining control and it gives you more peace and more freedom.
The Mindset Shift: Boundaries Are Protection, Not Rejection
And it requires a key mindset shift. So here’s the deal.
Boundaries are not about rejection. You’re not rejecting someone by setting a boundary. Now, they may take it that way, but that’s their problem, not yours. A boundary is a protection. Think about it — a boundary is like a fence outside your yard to keep stray dogs from coming in. It’s protecting your well being, protecting your home. So a boundary is a protection of your well being. And because you do this, it then allows you to care for other people more effectively without abandoning yourself.
How to Start Setting Boundaries: A Practical Guide for Women Over 50
Okay, got it. Boundaries are good. If you take nothing else from this podcast today — boundaries are self care. They are necessary.
And think about it. Think about people who set boundaries with you. Hopefully you appreciate that they’re doing that, because again, it allows you to see what you are responsible for and what they’re responsible for.
So how do we do this? How do we start setting boundaries? Well, first you gotta become aware. You really do. You gotta become aware of where in your life or in your business are you feeling a little resentful, taken advantage of, exhausted, perhaps anxious?
What are those situations like? And take a look at those. And then as you’re doing that, make a list of what you need more of. Do you need more rest? Do you need more time alone? Do you need emotional safety?
And then also think about what is it that you need less of? Maybe you’re tired of people asking you for last minute favors. Maybe you’re tired of being criticized. Maybe somebody is always dumping on you emotionally.
When Your Body Tells You It’s Time for a Change
I can think of — I used to have a lovely, lovely friend who, and also a mother too, bless her heart, who loved to just vent, just would vent about all the things that were going wrong in their life. And I prided myself on being a good listener. Well, it’s good to be a good listener — it definitely helps when you’re a podcast host and you have a guest on. But being a good listener in those cases can be very draining.
And I also had a client one time who was one of these people who rejected every piece of advice I gave her — so much so that I started having a stomachache while I was on the call with her. And I had to finally just say, you know what, I don’t think we’re a good fit. You obviously don’t like my suggestions. Let me see if I can connect you with someone else. And that’s what I did. I referred her to somebody else because we weren’t clicking, and frankly, just listening to her reject, reject, reject was not good for my emotional well being.
So yeah, start with that self awareness first, because that is going to give you a clue about where you need to start setting some boundaries.
Practicing Boundaries with Small Stakes First
And then you can start practicing. It’s good to do this with small stakes. Maybe someone just invites you to meet for coffee during the day and you’re working. You could start by saying something like, you know what, I would love to go, but I can’t take time out of my day right now. Maybe we could meet on the weekend. Or maybe somebody needs a favor and you could just say, I’m sorry, but that won’t work for me this week. Maybe another time I can help you out.
As you’re doing this, as you’re practicing, you want to be able to use simple I-statements like:
“I understand this is important to you, and I’m not able to help with it right now. I hope you find good support.”
“I don’t mind helping once in a while, but I need more notice in the future.”
Expect Discomfort — and Do It Anyway
And as I mentioned before, expect some discomfort. Yeah, it’s going to feel icky. Your tummy may get a little upset from time to time as you’re doing this. Maybe you get some tenseness in your shoulders, or however it is for you that you feel uncomfortable.
Just recognize that. And in fact, you could even make a mental note to yourself saying, yeah, this is making me uncomfortable. So this is probably something that’s good for me. Gloria said to expect this — that if I’m setting a boundary, I might not feel great about it. So expect it.
And remember, you’re not being selfish. You are practicing self care. And that is a really good thing to do.
When Someone Pushes Back on Your Boundaries
And if you are dealing with someone who’s a bit narcissistic — who really likes their own way — I think sometimes narcissists and people pleasers are probably attracted to each other. There’s some sort of energy thing. I don’t know this for sure, but I’m just thinking about my own life.
So if someone pushes back when you start setting boundaries with them — and it very well may happen — just calmly repeat your boundary again, or maybe walk away. Say, you know what, we’ll have to discuss this another time. I’m not up for it right now. That’s okay.
And if they are still pushing — guess what? Now they’re the ones being selfish because they want you to do what they want you to do. And if they start laying on the guilt — oh, come on, if you don’t do this… I can’t do it without you… — hopefully you stand your ground and just say, I would love to do this, but it’s just not the right time for me. Or: I am overwhelmed right now. I can’t take anything else on. I would love to help you. I am so sorry. Another time, please feel free to contact me. And then follow through.
You don’t have to put up with it. You don’t.
Adhere to your boundary, and every time you do, do a little happy dance, celebrate, pat yourself on the back, literally, and say, yes, I did it! Because when you do — oh, man — it releases those endorphins and you start feeling so much better about yourself.
This Isn’t About Becoming Selfish — It’s About Conscious Choosing
And like I said, I think I mentioned at the beginning — practice makes perfect. The better you get at setting boundaries, the easier it becomes.
I want to make sure I reinforce this: this is not for you to become a selfish person and not do anything for anybody else. That’s not what I’m advocating here. What I’m advocating is that you don’t be a people pleaser on default. That’s not your default setting. You choose when to help people. You choose who you want to help. It’s your life.
The name of this podcast is Design Your Life, Your Way. So you get to decide how often you want to help, how often you want to participate, how often you want to volunteer, who you want to help.
Maybe you are very happy with perhaps once a month letting a dear friend of yours vent — just as long as you are doing it consciously and you are choosing. You know what, I am going to be here and let her do this today. And hopefully it’s because you really love this person a lot and you know she’s going through something right now.
You might still say when you start on the phone call, you know what, I’ve got about an hour, so let’s get into it. What’s going on in your life right now? And then as the hour comes to a close, you say, oh, darling, I love you so much. I hope my listening has helped you. And I’ve got another appointment I’ve gotta get to.
That’s okay. Because again, you’re setting boundaries for yourself — and for her. So yeah, it’s so important. Take care of yourself. It’s so important to do that.
A Light Language Transmission to Help You Release and Receive
Okay, I want to share something with you right now. I want to share one of my favorite modalities that I love to share on the podcast. My intention is that it will help you release some of the stress you might be feeling — even just this feeling about setting boundaries — so that you can release that and know that setting boundaries is good for me.
In fact, if you need to, write that down: Setting boundaries is my self care. Setting boundaries is good for me. Write that down somewhere so you can see it, as a reminder to practice it.
But I want to share with you a Light Language transmission right now. This is a spoken or sung message that I’ll share for you to listen with your heart. It’s not something necessarily that your brain understands because it will sound like a foreign language, and that’s okay. It’s not something I’m able to even translate word for word. When I share this with clients, it’s really about an intention and it’s a feeling and it’s an emotion.
So I’m going to set the intention that what you will receive today will be for your soul’s highest good and will allow you to take care of yourself by setting boundaries.
If you are listening to this while you’re driving a car, pause the podcast, come back to it later when you can be seated in a nice comfy chair, put your feet on the floor, close your eyes if you’d like, and just set an intention for yourself that whatever you hear today — whatever emotions it might even stir up — is for you. The first time I heard light language, I cried.
So just be open, be open to whatever your soul feels you need to feel today.
Okay. All right, we’ve set it up — so I’m going to trust that you have paused and you are back now. Just relax, maybe take a deep breath, let it out, and just take a moment and listen.
[ Light Language Transmission — Audio Only ]
Closing Thoughts: Boundaries Are Your Self-Care Practice
So that’s Light Language if you’ve never heard it before. I hope you liked that. And if you’re a new listener — yeah, especially if you are a new listener — just know whenever I do the solo episodes, I love to share that because it’s a gift that I’ve been given, and it benefits me as much as I hope it benefits you.
And I would love for you — if you experience something today, if you’re ever curious about it and you would like to know more about it and maybe even experience a session for yourself — I encourage you to reach out to me. You can find me on social media. I’m on LinkedIn. If you want to leave a comment on this YouTube video, that would be great. I’d love to chat with you a little bit more about it.
So I just want you to remember — boundaries are good. Boundaries are not selfish, unless you take them totally out of proportion. But I’m going to trust that you are going to set boundaries where it’s appropriate in your life.
And remember — it might feel icky at first. But the more you do it, the more it will start coming more second nature to you. And it’ll be okay, because it is a way of practicing self care.
So I’ll be back next week with some more ideas on how you can embrace this incredible season of life that you’re in right now. And yeah, so stay tuned for that. Be sure to check out the description of this video for a full rundown of today’s important links. Share the video with a friend if you enjoyed it, share it on social media, and let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
I really love hearing from you. It also helps me figure out how I can best serve and support you going forward.
So until next time — remember, you are never too old to start a new chapter.
