Do you want to reclaim your power and break free from the grip of an abusive relationship? Are you ready to take control of your life and find the safety and support you deserve? In this episode, our guest, Kanchan Bhaskar, will reveal the key to recognizing abusive relationships and provide you with the solution to achieve freedom and security. Together, we will empower you to identify the signs of abuse and take steps towards creating a life filled with safety, happiness, and peace.
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Show Notes | Transcript“There is no need for you to be trapped behind the closed doors. You need to speak up. You need to come out and tell people that this is what is going on with you because you should not be ashamed of it. You are not the guilty party.” – Kanchan Bhaskar
Meet Kanchan Bhaskar, a remarkable advocate, speaker, coach, and author who has dedicated her life to empowering victims and survivors of domestic violence. Having overcome her own harrowing experience, Kanchan is on a mission to help others recognize the signs of abuse and take courageous steps towards a life of safety and freedom. Her book, “Leaving: How I Set Myself Free from an Abusive Marriage,” chronicles her inspiring story and serves as a powerful resource for those seeking guidance and support. With unwavering determination, Kanchan has transformed her pain into purpose, using her voice to raise awareness about the prevalence of domestic abuse and advocate for change. Through her compassionate coaching and empowering speeches, she inspires individuals to break free from toxic relationships, reclaim their power, and build a brighter future. Kanchan’s resilience and unwavering commitment to helping others make her an incredible force for positive change in the world.
In this episode, you will be able to:
- Gain insight and support from a survivor of domestic violence, who shares their personal journey of healing and triumph.
- Understand the importance of speaking up about abuse, and how it can lead to a path of empowerment and safety.
- Discover the therapeutic power of writing as a tool for healing, self-expression, and reclaiming your voice.
- Learn how to recognize the signs of abusive relationships and gain the knowledge and confidence to take action.
- Explore practical strategies for prioritizing self-care in the midst of abuse, helping you regain control and nurture your well-being.
Related Live. Love. Engage. episodes you may enjoy:
Wendy Posillico’s Guide to Finding Purpose and Paving Your Path
Healing Power of Poetry with Brenda Bryan
Lessons from Trauma Work with Sarah Brassard
Turning Tragedy into Triumph with Enoh Ukpong
Resources:
Connect with Kanchan here
Visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline online here Or Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
Join the Soulful Women’s Network here
Send me a message here
☕ Support the podcast here
❤ Love this episode? Leave us a review and rating here
Connect with Gloria: LinkedIn | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube | Twitter
TRANSCRIPT
Gloria Grace Rand
Namaste and welcome to the show. Whether this is your first time or you are a regular subscriber, I am so glad that you are here joining us on this edition of Live Love Engage. And for those of you who are new, I am Gloria Grace, light messenger and spiritual alignment coach and women entrepreneurs hire me to help them clear the inner blocks, keeping you stuck so that you can live the life you want now. And I’m looking forward to this episode today because I’ve got a guest on the show that I’m going to be bringing on here in just 1 second and she has an interesting story to tell. Not well, yeah, I’ll just say know as everybody has highs and lows in their story but I’m going to let her share that. But her name is Kanchan Bhaskar and she is a advocate, a speaker, a coach for victims and survivors of domestic violence and she has also written a book called Leaving: How I Set Myself Free from an Abusive Marriage. And we’re going to be talking a bit about that and some other things today. So I want to first off now bring on Kanchan and welcome you officially to Live Love Engage.
Kanchan Bhaskar
Thank you so much for having me on your podcast. Grace.
Gloria Grace Rand
Yeah, well, I’m glad that you are here today to talk about a subject that it’s not one we normally cover on this show, but unfortunately, I guess it is something that is an unfortunate fact of life for a lot of women and it’s something that you have lived through. But I wanted to have you tell a little bit more about your story. I’d love to ask our guests what got you here to doing the work that you’re doing now that you are this advocate and a speaker and a coach and an author. Congrats on that as well. Give us the Cliff Notes version, I should say, because I know there’s a lot that goes on. I’m sure your story has a lot to tell, but kind of give us the highlights about what prompted you to be on the road that you’re on now.
Kanchan Bhaskar
Sure. So this is a story of my transformation from a victim to a survivor. And then I did not stop there as just being a survivor. I continued my journey, got into spiritualism a little bit and higher faith and I got into that journey so that I could get in touch with my soul back I used to be and got transcended into an advocate now and a thriver and lived my life very happily in Chicago all on my own terms. So I found myself in an arranged marriage in India, as in India, arranged marriages are very common and very popular traditionally just because it’s a joint family system. And when one is growing up, the parents and the uncles and the aunts and the grandparents, they start looking for a match or they are living in that society and they have an eye on a particular match for their daughter or their son. And that’s how they arrange that marriage. So that’s how it happened with me too. And the gentleman that I got engaged to was a very charming, bright and educated guy. A social charmer I would call him. But as soon as we got married, everything changed. And he turned out to be a narcissist, an alcoholic, a violent and a very angry person. Now my background was that I was brought up in a very modern environment where my parents respected each other, they cherished each other’s company. We siblings were brought up in a very warm and a very nurturing environment. And that’s how I thought a relationship is. Because my dad and my mother were true partners with each other. If my mom was in kitchen, my dad would be standing next to her in the kitchen. So in my perception, that’s what marriage meant. That a woman has to be respected. Period. There was no question of raising your hand on a woman. But that’s not what my ex-husband or my husband at the time would believe in. He was a typical narcissist who within three weeks of my marriage raised his hand on me and slapped me. So that was the beginning or I should say the end of my life. In those moments I thought because I was a girl who wanted to live life. I was very chirpy, I was out and about. I loved people around me. But then with his first lap I really wanted to get out. But the circumstances kept happening. One after the other. He would come back to me, he will bleed, he will cry, he will be in my feet and my compassion would rise for him. And I will say okay, let me give him one chance. It was just a slap, it’s okay, let me try him. Maybe he didn’t mean it and things like that. Within eleven months my first daughter was born. And then after that I could never get out of that trap. That trap kept deepening for me. I was under his full control and power. And this hitting and pushing and pulling and twisting my arm kept on happening and the severity kept getting more and more. But then I was not to live that life. As soon as I realized I was being victimized I started to plan my freedom. I had to take my children out of that toxic environment, acidic environment. After my daughter, my twins were born, the boys within three years and with three children the society shamed me. Because in India a woman doesn’t ask for a divorce. It’s unheard of. And the law did not protect me. There was no protection from them. And the lawyers very clearly told me that if I leave this man the custody of the three children, all of them will not go to you. He could get one, two, or all the three. If he proves that I had some mental issues, which is very common even, or if he could prove that I was having relationship outside my marriage, which is pretty simple. You pay a guy, you take your pictures, he sends the pictures, and they believe in it. And it’s a man society, the patriarch society. Man has got a power and the woman is there to serve, is the concept they live in or they lived in at that time. Now things are changing a little bit. And so there was no way of even escaping for me because not leave my children, that was not acceptable to me. So then I started to strategize my escape as to how I will do it one day when that will come. And the first step that I took was to become financially independent. Then I sent my children to a boarding school away from the house so that they do not see what’s going on, their psyche does not get affected, and they turn out to be holistic individuals like a mother would want any child to be. And then slowly, I kept taking steps. I had all the milestones chopped out in my mind and I kept taking steps, one after the other. But to help me in this all my faith was the one that really helped me and supported me. My faith in universe kept bringing me angels. The angels who gave me direction, who told me what to do, literally. Because the angels who told me, oh, you need to be financially independent. That’s your first step, Kanchan. And oh, my God. How can I be independent? How can I go out of the house with these three toddlers in my lab? And they said, don’t make excuses. So they were found. There was no pitting. They were like, don’t come out of that self-pity. That’s how it happened, one after the other. And I started to build a ramp and one day, me and my three children, we went up the ramp and then on the other, actually, my freedom was given to me by America. I moved here and within three months, I got divorced. So that was the best day of my life. And I got divorced. Like I said, I started on the spiritual path because I was so hurt inside me. It was deep embedded in me. And I had lost my soul. I had lost myself. I had lost my soul. And I needed to get that back. And spirituality was the only way for me to get it back because I’m not very religious in nature. And so I started to be on that path. Meditation, mindfulness rewiring, creative, visualization. And those are the things, those are the techniques that I used. And like I said, I rewrote my story to myself. And I said, no. I’m a brave woman. I have come out, I protected my children. I am here to be free. And I will be free. I will live this life very free. And that’s where I thought that I needed to get back to the society. I’m a survivor. I need to step out and tell other victims and other people who are in Adversity and are caught emotionally abused, know, physically or sexually or financially or I mean, there’s so many kinds of abuse. Do you know the gravity? One in three women and one in five men go through domestic abuse even in America, and the numbers are almost the same everywhere. So this pandemic has spread all over the globe and survivors like me need to come out and talk, tell our stories so that the others can benefit from it. That is my purpose at this stage of my life.
Gloria Grace Rand
Absolutely. And I’m so grateful that, number one, that you had the wherewithal, and you got the support, spiritual support, to be able to guide you to the right steps, to be able to be able to leave that relationships. And it’s so important. I’ve met so many people and I’ve experienced this my own life. The power of meditation and visualization and these things really do help us to be able to let go of some of the things that happened to us in the past. And so that’s really so good. One thing I wanted to ask you though, I was curious about, because you mentioned how you were so surprised about being in this relationship because you had seen your parents have a totally different style of marriage. Did you get any kind of support from them? I should say, as you were trying to extricate yourself from this relationship, they were fully supportive.
Kanchan Bhaskar
I was the most loved child, although we were total four siblings. But somehow me and my younger brother, we were the ones, we got all the pamperedness, so to say, because there was a little larger gap between the older siblings and us. So we were pampered. I got all the support from them. But again, Gloria, it was me who wanted to go back because he would cry and beep and then I had the three children. So even if they wanted to tell me that, okay, fine, you come and live here with us, it was him who would come back and cry and weep and I would go back. So they were supportive, but I would not take their support. And one day they gave up. It was like every time you come here in the middle of the night with three children, empty handed, barefooted, and then we do everything for you and then you go back. So figure it out. What is it that you want to do? And the other reason that I did not want to take this support was that my dad was a heart patient and he had minor stroke. So I did not want to give him that trouble on a daily basis and tell him my misery and share my torment with him. So they knew what was going on with me, but nobody on the earth knew the extent of that. People thought it’s some pulling, pushing, and there’s some fights going on, some emotional abuse going on, but nobody knew how bad it was.
Gloria Grace Rand
Yeah. Was there a particular tipping point for you where you said, this is it, I’ve got to figure this out because I cannot take this anymore, and especially having three kids, was there a particular point where that happened for you?
Kanchan Bhaskar
Yes, there was a turning around point for me when this angel, she came into my life, I was standing outside in a veranda, late evening, and I was holding my two twins. They were not even, like, maybe eight or nine months old, and I was holding them around my chest, like, with both the arms on both the sides. And my daughter was clinging to my legs. And my perpetrator at the time had a fight and whatever he did and he walked out. And that is how he used to threaten me, that I will kill myself today. And he went out and I didn’t know what to do with life. I was very miserable, depressed, lost, numb. And that’s the time I could feel that there’s somebody standing at the back of my neck. And there was this lady. When I turned my face, I’d never seen her before. She was visiting her brother, she later told me, from UK. And so she said are you Mr. Bhaskar’s daughter? And I said yes. She said, oh, I met your parents, so why do you look so sad? What’s going you know, I was as if waiting for somebody to ask me that and my whole damn burst. And I started to cry. My tears busted out. And she said, yeah, I’ve heard your story, what you’re telling me, but then you seem to be an educated girl, why don’t you work? And I said, oh, I can’t work. These three children, where will I leave them? And that’s who she is, the one who said, don’t make excuses. You have to be financially independent. It will give you confidence. It will also make you get some money after that. Only then you can plan whatever you want in your life, whether you want with him or you want to leave him. Just start working. That was the turning point. Gloria that day I went inside the house, I went into the bathroom. It’s all in the story. It’s written in the book as it is. I’m telling you know, I cried for some more time and then I washed my face, know, put water on my face, and I looked up, I erected my spine, literally, and I took my hair. I used to have long hair. I put them in a tight pony and in a little bun, and I said, okay, fine. Today I’m going to be that conscious that I used to be brave girl who fought for women rights, who fought for the dowry burning that was going on at the time, burning brides. And I said, I’m going to be that conjunction. And I came out smiling and with an erect face, and I looked at my children and I said, mom is going to save you. Don’t worry.
Gloria Grace Rand
That’s wonderful. Well, that took a lot of guts. And I love how you describe that woman as your angel, because people talk about angels and being spiritual beings and yes, they are, but they also I do believe that they come in the form of real people as well, and that they are the ones who can point things out to us. And so that is so wonderful that you had that person there for you.
Kanchan Bhaskar
Yes, I totally believe in universe. When I was younger, I used to say, oh, there is no destiny. It’s my efforts. I’m moving on in life just because I make so much efforts. But then a time came where I said, no, there is a blueprint there up there, and we can make the journey a little easier by taking some steps towards it. But everything will happen according to the pulpit.
Gloria Grace Rand
Yeah, definitely. So let’s talk a little bit about since you mentioned the word book. That was a good segue. So what prompted you to be able to what prompted you to be able to decide to be able to share this personal story and put it actually in a book so that other people could read it?
Kanchan Bhaskar
So, Gloria, I got divorced in 2003, and I wrote the book now two years back. I took so long because I thought that I had moved on, but actually, whenever I thought I have to write the book for the others to read it, I just could not sit there and write the whole episodes. And what happened with me, it was too much for me. My children were pushing me that, mom, you need to write the book and let people know. Let it be out there. And then one day, my therapist, Leslie Scaffold, I always keep a therapist irrespective whether I’m happy or not happy. I like to go to a therapist and share my well, I told her, I said, Leslie, I’m looking for a purpose in life. I really am lost. I don’t know, I feel I have a calling that I need to do something, like a higher purpose. They call and she said, Kanchan, your purpose is right here. You need to tell your story. You need to bring this story out to the world. They are waiting for you. This is what literally, she said. And she said, become an advocate for these people and go and tell your stories and share with them the tools and the techniques that you use to escape from there because they can benefit from it. And that was, again, one more turning point for me where I said, okay, fine, I’m going to write it. So when I was coming from the therapist clinic, I called my three children one by one and I said, mom is ready to write. And that was the day I came home. I set my table outside in the patio. It’s just opposite a church and I feel I get good vibes from the church. And I took a pen and paper and there I was.
Gloria Grace Rand
Excellent. Obviously your book tells your story. So for someone listening to this today or watching on YouTube, what is maybe one important point that your book tells people, especially someone who might be going through a similar situation where they’re in an abusive relationship and they want to be able to get out, but maybe kind of feeling like you at the beginning. I think that seems like you felt trapped and that you didn’t really know any way of being able to get out. What is one piece of advice that you could give someone in that situation?
Kanchan Bhaskar
So if you ask me one piece, then I would say speak up. Because there is no need for you to be trapped behind the closed doors. You need to speak up. You need to come out and tell people that this is what is going on with you because you should not be ashamed of it. You are not the guilty party. It’s not that you are doing something wrong. Somebody else is doing that wrong for you. So you need to go out and tell your family, tell your friends, tell your colleagues, tell your neighbors so that if there is a need for you to be saved, they can do it at the right time. If they don’t even know what’s going on, how can they protect you if the need comes? Especially in countries where they have gun licenses or they have guns in the homes. So I think safety is utmost important. That is one thing that I would like to say. But there are a couple of other things that I would also like to mention is that visualize the freedom and commit to that. Once you know that you are being victimized, you have to commit that. I have to get free. Because if you don’t commit and then you keep coming back, that is going to really be bad. That could be a bad rebuttal on you because then that perpetrator is definitely going to kill you and you will not get the children back. So commit to it. Start to take steps. Belief in self is one of the tools that I used. Belief in self and then belief in universe and belief in spirituality are the three tools that set me free.
Gloria Grace Rand
I want to play, I guess, be slightly devil’s advocate here and again, maybe see if you can help other people in this situation. Is that because I’m just imagining thankfully I was never in an abusive relationship, but I did have my dad, actually, it was my mom, a little bit more abusive. My dad was an alcoholic, but my mom kind of had some issues. I’m thinking that in just even hearing about other people’s stories and that I know that sometimes there’s just I understand what you’re saying that you need to tell someone, but what if you just feel like you’re too afraid or that nobody’s going to believe you? What would you say to somebody like that who maybe wants to be able to tell but yeah, that they’re just afraid somebody may not believe them.
Kanchan Bhaskar
Yeah. And that happens because the perpetrators usually are charming people. To the outside society, they are like the best people, especially the narcissists. Nobody comes to know that they are these totally control freaks. And so, yeah, you are a little bit fearful of telling somebody that they are not going to believe you, but still, at least your close friends will believe you or your family would believe you. And even if they don’t, I think for your own safety, it’s very important that you have your little pouch kept outside the house somewhere with your main documents. A pair of car keys, duplicate car keys, duplicate home keys. Put them in a pouch and keep them outside somewhere safe so that when a total threat comes to your life, you can run out, take the car and just drive away to a safer place. I think that’s what I would do.
Gloria Grace Rand
Oh, that’s excellent advice. Yeah, thank you for sharing that because I think that makes so much total sense because yeah, because sometimes that situation is going to happen and if you’re not prepared, then it’s going to be a lot harder for you to deal with it.
Kanchan Bhaskar
Right.
Gloria Grace Rand
And I’m just going to say I’ll see if I can make a note of this for myself. So when I put this in the show notes is to know that there’s all sorts of different organizations out there. I’m sure there’s like toll free hotlines people that you can call, there are shelters, there’s support. So even if you don’t have family, maybe your family doesn’t live close by and you don’t have anybody know that there’s still resources out there and so you do not have to suffer alone.
Kanchan Bhaskar
Yes, absolutely. There are 800 numbers. I mean, government spends billions of dollars into protecting people, helping domestic violence people. They have these like you said, shelters are there. There are plenty of them and always have that number handy. You can put that number in the pouch. That first thing I’m going to do is call that number. Because victims are also afraid of calling police at the time. And so many times police is also now, normally they would say that when we go to the scene, normally the woman just takes back her words. She says, no, I’m okay. I just called you Inari. So they change their stance. So that is another thing that we need to be a little bit careful about because then police stops to have the confidence in the victims.
Gloria Grace Rand
Yeah, definitely. Is there anything that you’ve become aware of in dealing with maybe the subject of domestic violence or even maybe even dealing with narcissists? That maybe it’s sort of a commonly held belief about this that you absolutely disagree with?
Kanchan Bhaskar
When I disagree with the thought that they can change. Like 100% of them can change. They will change only if it comes from within them by your saying they will not change. And there is a belief that by putting them in classes, et cetera, they will change. But like I said, unless it comes to them, their own inner self is difficult to change. So instead of you can stop them from Alcoholic Anonymous and therapy and things like that. But I will still say spirituality or religion is one of the best ways to start at where they also get into some kind of a faith and they can understand that what they are doing to their family it’s not only that they are being tormenting to their spouses, but it is also the children. Imagine the children. What wrong have they done to be born into this family? And when we do not look at them and we keep doing what we are doing, this psyche gets affected. So many of them turn to drugs and other abusers and they become robbers and thieves and whatnot. I mean we look at that that we are not only harming ourselves, our spouses, but the two families attached to both of them and the children. So it’s so many people are getting affected just because this perpetrator is not ready to listen to any advice. They think that they are normal and when you tell them that you need help, they will tell you that no, it’s you who needs help. So yeah, I don’t believe that fully all of them can be put into classes and we can change them.
Gloria Grace Rand
Yeah, and that’s where you still have to then think about yourself and or if you have children to be able to put their needs first and really do what you can to protect yourself, protect them and then find a way to be able to extricate yourself from that situation. Because you’re right, they may eventually come to a point where they possibly can seek help. But you can’t put your life in danger by waiting for that to happen. Too many broken promises.
Kanchan Bhaskar
And there are two things Gloria I would like to mention. One is know we all know that example when we travel, we are flying in planes. They always tell you that in case of any emergency you should be the one wearing the mask first, right and then for others. So first save yourself so that then you are able to save others. So like you just now said that it is important that you save yourself. And the second thing I would like to say, which again, one of the angels who came to me as a priest in the church and he told me, Kanchan, he is not your responsibility. Why do you think that you have to latch on to him? Because we have in legal he doesn’t have anybody else in life. No, he is not your responsibility. Your children are your responsibility and you are his responsibility and not vice versa. So if you think that divorce is the best solution, just go ahead.
Gloria Grace Rand
Yeah, definitely. I appreciate that so much. So let’s want to be able to bring this together and sort of end on a positive note. And I think we are in a way. But you’ve written this book as well and so now you are coaching women, I take it as well. What about that? Actually, I was going to ask something else but you know, what’s coming to me is what have you found to be perhaps the most surprising thing about becoming a coach?
Kanchan Bhaskar
When I thought about becoming a coach, which is pretty recent, I would say, till now I’m doing voluntary work only and now I’m planning on becoming a professional coach also. And I’m starting looking at to start a business, being an entrepreneur too. And I think I was not very sure about the gravity of the situation and now I know the gravity. So it is like you feel that compassion for all those women. Because I have gone through the same thing and I understand it so much what they are going through, how much they are fearful, how much they are ashamed, how much they are guilty and how much they care for their children. And they cannot give the best to mean. Those are the things that surprised me that even in America the numbers are the same because I always thought that it happens only in traditional countries which are developing countries or patriarch societies and the numbers but when I saw the numbers here also, that was pretty much a shock for me. I was like, wow, how does that happen? But maybe the physical abuse is not that much because there’s a law, there’s 911 number, but there’s a lot of emotional abuse I hear, and sexual abuse. So those were a little bit of a surprise for me when I thought that I have to do this coaching practice and I have to coach the children involved.
Gloria Grace Rand
Well, I’m glad that you are taking steps to do that and being able to help people, because you will, because when you do have that is so often why people do go in it. They go into coaching and especially in the particular type of coaching is because they have that experience, they can empathize with their clients and they’re going to be able to help them because you’ve gone through it and so you’re going to be able to lead them to get. Through it as well. So that’s so good. As we’re wrapping up here, I know if we’ve got people who have been listening and watching and maybe they want to know more about your story, want to be able to get a copy of your book, perhaps, where is the best place that people can connect with you and then maybe get your book as well.
Kanchan Bhaskar
So this is my book, Gloria, “Leaving.” And just to summarize a little bit about the book, because we have talked about all the torment and the torture and all that, but this book also is talking about hope and desire and the dreams coming true, transformation, empowerment, all those things. So it is a good read for anybody who’s in adversity. The book can be found on Kanchanbhaskar.com. It’s Kanchanbhaskar.com. And you will get all the details there about me, about the book. There is excerpt there. There’s a preface there. So all the details are there. You can get there, look at some YouTube videos and stuff like that.
Gloria Grace Rand
All right, excellent. Well, I’ll be sure and have the link in the show notes as well. So if you are listening to this right now and you don’t have a pen handy, just know that you’ll be able to get it from the show notes. So thank you so much for being here. And actually, I’m going to ask you one last thing just to make sure if there’s anything I didn’t ask you about but didn’t, or is there any other last bit of advice you’d like to share with our audience?
Kanchan Bhaskar
Again, just speak up. I think the victims need to accept that they are victims and that is not the normal life they are leading. They need to be free. They are born free. They need to die free. They need to live free. That’s it. And I would also like to apologize for I just got choked, I think, in between. And that happens with me when I talk to people about the incidents and about everything, I start to joke, yeah, but the book has really healed me. There’s no doubt about that. Writing the book has also healed me in so many ways.
Gloria Grace Rand
Yeah, definitely. Well, I appreciate that. It’s that throat chakra. So it’s no surprise that it’s sometimes because this is something that you’re still working through, I’m sure, even though it’s been a few years. My advice is to continue to take care of yourself as well as as especially as you go down this road of coaching is, as you said, we’ve still got to take care of ourselves first before we can help other people, right?
Kanchan Bhaskar
Yeah. Thank you so much. It was great talking to you.
Gloria Grace Rand
Same here. I appreciate it. And I also want to thank everyone who has been watching this and listening to it. Make sure if you are watching on YouTube, to subscribe and ring the bell so that you get notified when new episodes come out and make sure that you are subscribed on your favorite podcast platform. And until next time, as always, I encourage you to go out and live fully, love deeply, and engage authentically.
